|
 Author | Topic: learned it from grandparents (Read 78 times) |
cnu5000
Executive Member
member is offline
Joined: May 2007
Gender: Female 
Posts: 820
Location: Massachusetts
|  | learned it from grandparents
« Thread Started on Sept 22, 2010, 6:27am » | |
I think I learned something about being child free from my mother's father. He died when I was eight and I adored him-I was his only grandchild. He lived in another city. My mother was also an only child and her mother died when she was seventeen.
Recently, I have been meeting more people that knew him. Everyone will tell me he was the most wonderful man. He was a physician and worked very hard.
However, his daughter seems to be his harshest critic and I think he probably was not the best father. (I have heard that it can be much easier to be a grandparent than a parent so he may have been a "good" grandfather).
I knew someone else who always complained about her mother. She said everyone loved her mother but her mother could be mean to her. She told me it can be very difficult to be a child of such a parent because no one will listed to their complaints.
I think this probably is not uncommon-people who parenting may not bring out the best in them and the people who dislike them the most are the children. Also I think many of these parents are not grossly abusive or negligent but they lack nurturing/parenting skills.
Probably a lot of these people would be happier CF.
| |
|
sage
Full Member
member is offline
Joined: Apr 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 185
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #1 on Sept 22, 2010, 10:20am » | |
My dad was an absolutely terrible parent. He was abusive, immature, irresponsible, selfish, etc. I don't think he wanted kids - he really seemed to resent especially that my brother and I cost him his precious money in order to feed and clothe us.
But so many people think he's a great guy. Don't get me wrong - there are a lot of people that see through his BS. But he's always been all about appearances. As an example, when I was a kid, my dad worked with some idiot who couldn't keep his pants on and as a consequence had eight kids who didn't get all as many toys and stuff as other kids, boo-hoo. So my dad made us give our stuff to his kids so that his coworkers would think he was this big-hearted generous guy. We didn't have a lot to begin with since we weren't allowed a lot by him.
| |
|
happy2bchildfree
Global Administrator
member is offline
![[avatar]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v173/zuzucom/av-queenanne.jpg "[avatar]")
All I need is a miracle.
Joined: Jun 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,701
Location: Southern California
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #2 on Sept 22, 2010, 10:50am » | |
I think my father should have been childfree. He gave us every material advantage but was often abusive and not a loving or nurturing parent. He was very concerned with making us all look like the "perfect" family to outsiders. I don't think anyone ever had a clue to the truth.
I have long since forgiven him because of the many amends he made to me when I was an adult, and because I realize that he did the best he could and probably didn't know any other way.
But some people really should never have children, and his parenting is one reason I am childfree. I feared becoming the same kind of parent.
| |
|
sage
Full Member
member is offline
Joined: Apr 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 185
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #3 on Sept 22, 2010, 2:17pm » | |
Same here. My mom said I'd be a good mother, but in all honesty....I love her but she's one of the, ah, least intelligent people I know. 
But I don't want to turn out like my dad. And I can only picture myself getting angry at my kids like he did.
| |
|
cnu5000
Executive Member
member is offline
Joined: May 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 820
Location: Massachusetts
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #4 on Sept 22, 2010, 3:22pm » | |
To the outside world my father is patient and mild mannered but growing up he was demanding with me and my mother growing up and had a temper.
I think it can be very hard to children of people whom other people like but are not good parents. The outside world often does not back them up. My mother says she could not complain about my grandfather to her friends.
My parents lacks I think were more obvious to the world but sadly not always to me. They are very quiet and reserved and keep to themselves. I think being a child of this "perfect"
father was more of a problem for my mother.
Also sometimes this makes me wonder about what really goes on in these "perfect" families.
| |
|
happy2bchildfree
Global Administrator
member is offline
All I need is a miracle.
Joined: Jun 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,701
Location: Southern California
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #5 on Sept 22, 2010, 4:20pm » | |
Sept 22, 2010, 3:22pm, cnu5000 wrote:To the outside world my father is patient and mild mannered but growing up he was demanding with me and my mother growing up and had a temper.
I think it can be very hard to children of people whom other people like but are not good parents. The outside world often does not back them up. My mother says she could not complain about my grandfather to her friends.
My parents lacks I think were more obvious to the world but sadly not always to me. They are very quiet and reserved and keep to themselves. I think being a child of this "perfect"
father was more of a problem for my mother.
Also sometimes this makes me wonder about what really goes on in these "perfect" families.
|
|
I always wonder what REALLY goes on in these "perfect" families. I think many of the ones who have such a veneer of perfection are the most unhealthy and dysfunctional.
| |
|
sage
Full Member
member is offline
Joined: Apr 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 185
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #6 on Sept 22, 2010, 6:43pm » | |
I can't wait until the Duggar kids grow up.......bet we'll see at least two, three exposés on that perfect family.
| |
|
frabble14
New Member
member is offline
![[avatar]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v173/zuzucom/coleus.jpg "[avatar]")
Joined: Sept 2010
Gender: Female
Posts: 2
Location: Florida
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #7 on Sept 22, 2010, 9:52pm » | |
My father didn't want kids, either. My mother oopsed him, and that was the end of their marriage. I had no ill-will for him. In fact, I learned from him not to trust birth-control to other people! My mom was decent, but she also told me kids are optional. I took it to heart, as you can see.
| |
|
preraph
Global Administrator
Global Admin and MVP!
member is offline
![[homepage]](http://images.proboards.com/buttons/www_sm.gif "[homepage]")
Joined: Jan 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,746
Location: Dallas, TX
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #8 on Sept 24, 2010, 2:13pm » | |
CNU, thank you for starting such an interesting thread! You know, my first thought when you said your mom's mom died when she was 17 is that the couple of times I have seen that happen and the man was left to care for the female child, often the female child was forced to do the duties of the wife: cooking, cleaning, and sometimes the relationship got very weird because of codependency due to that. So it's possible something like that happened. You know, in that generation, men were completely unprepared to cook or clean!
My dad was a weird mix. He had some uncontrolled rage which he believed was from having a mean mom, though she wasn't mean when I was around her, but everyone did switch and belt back then. He was mad at her for not staying with the father, too, blamed her for it. Anyway, so most of the time, my dad was a genuinely sweet and funny man always making wisecracks and teasing, but then when he went off, you wondered if he'd get the gun or something so it was terrifying. I have to say I believe he genuinely enjoyed his children and pets, and he was a wonderful provider. In his old age, post-divorce, he became alcoholic and his brain literally degenerated (possibly from years of painting cars in the closed garage) and he got quite out of control and twisted and unpleasant. So I had one father I loved and enjoyed and one I was afraid of and one I had to deal with.
And my mom was a near-recluse who seemed content to do the 50s housewife thing and sit and smoke cigarettes and read but later became a shrew (perhaps not coincidentally right when I became a rebellious teenager). She was always hypercritical but was more mean about it once she became shrewlike. It was embarrassing to bring people over after a point. I am not sure if it was menopause or back pain (she did have some for awhile) or a mental imbalance of some kind, but she remained hypercritical in her old age and would get melodramatic for no reason.
An example. When I was a girl, growing up in the country, I was given freedom to roam on horseback, dirt bike, etc. She wasn't a worrying type at all. I'd be gone all day. By the time she was old and living in a different place and I was 40 and living out of state and I would go home, she would be CRAZY and FRANTIC waiting for me and my sister to arrive in town and be worked up into such a state by the time we got there, we often just got back in the car and made some excuse to leave again and come back later. So something was going on. But now, right before she died in her mid eighties, they did find a brain tumor, so that made me wonder how long it might have been affecting her, and I was never given any details about it as far as lobe area to get any insight, but I would like to know if that had to do with it at all.
| |
|
cnu5000
Executive Member
member is offline
Joined: May 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 820
Location: Massachusetts
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #9 on Sept 29, 2010, 5:19pm » | |
I think often times when people get old and sick their personality intensifies.
| |
|
happy2bchildfree
Global Administrator
member is offline
All I need is a miracle.
Joined: Jun 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,701
Location: Southern California
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #10 on Sept 29, 2010, 6:15pm » | |
Sept 29, 2010, 5:19pm, cnu5000 wrote:| I think often times when people get old and sick their personality intensifies. |
|
I don't know. My mother's personality remained the same and my father's mellowed considerably.
| |
|
cnu5000
Executive Member
member is offline
Joined: May 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 820
Location: Massachusetts
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #11 on Sept 30, 2010, 4:11pm » | |
Actually, my parents also have mellowed. However, I have one friend who is very sick and the illness seems to have magnified certain personality traits though she is still quite mellow.
| |
|
preraph
Global Administrator
Global Admin and MVP!
member is offline
Joined: Jan 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,746
Location: Dallas, TX
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #12 on Oct 1, 2010, 8:44pm » | |
I too think it generally intensifies. But I REALLY really hope I mellow or no one is going to want to be around me!!
| |
|
cnu5000
Executive Member
member is offline
Joined: May 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 820
Location: Massachusetts
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #13 on Oct 4, 2010, 6:53am » | |
I hope I mellow too-I think I have. My mother I notice more as she gets older is very shyso is my father. About five years ago I introduced them to people at work and I could see there is not there thing meeting strangers. In contrast as I have gotten older I have gotten more outgoing.
| |
|
preraph
Global Administrator
Global Admin and MVP!
member is offline
Joined: Jan 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,746
Location: Dallas, TX
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #14 on Oct 4, 2010, 9:27am » | |
Well, that is a good sign. I have just become such a militant on things that it's hard to have a casual conversation with me. I am very opinionated (as no one knows better than this board!)
| |
|
happy2bchildfree
Global Administrator
member is offline
All I need is a miracle.
Joined: Jun 2007
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,701
Location: Southern California
| | Re: learned it from grandparents
« Reply #15 on Oct 4, 2010, 4:46pm » | |
I think I've mellowed considerably as I've gotten older. But--there are a few things that I am very militant about. Nobody has to agree with me but if they can't be respectful of my feelings about said topics, I tend to not be a nice person about it.
| |
|
|
![[Home]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v173/zuzucom/bhome.jpg "[Home]")
![[New Topics]](http://images.proboards.com/menu/topics.png "[New Topics]")
![[Help]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v173/zuzucom/bhelp.jpg "[Help]")
![[Search]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v173/zuzucom/bsearch.jpg "[Search]")
![[Login]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v173/zuzucom/login.jpg "[Login]")
![[Register]](http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v173/zuzucom/breg.jpg "[Register]")
![[Search This Thread]](http://images.proboards.com/search2.gif "[Search This Thread]")
![[Share Topic]](http://images.proboards.com/new/buttons/share.png "[Share Topic]")
![[Print]](http://images.proboards.com/buttons/print.gif "[Print]")
Logged