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Post by preraph on Oct 14, 2008 14:06:03 GMT -5
You have my sympathies. I had one sort-of BF (I do consider him an ex) years ago who started off romantic, but never would have sex with me. And neither would he go away. He literally drove me insane, literally. He had me convinced that I was MAKING UP that we had a relationship. After a mental scare, I forced myself to just block out thinking about him, which was hard BECAUSE HE KEPT COMING BACK. It literally caused me to have a mental like crack because I suppressed so much to deal with it and TRY to move on that I literally lost a lot of memory -- until I read my diaries a few years ago and realized we had a relationship, no matter whether he was cooperating at all or not. Because you can't have someone around that much and not call it what it is. We STILL have a relationship of sorts. I didn't understand at the time that he was situationally impotent, because you know, men will talk about impotence in the most vague of terms. I would see him going after very small young drunk blond women, the kind who are no challenge at all, and instead of just telling me that I was just too strong for him to feel confident with, he just let me be insulted by it and go crazy. At the same time, I could totally wind him up. I used to call it "making him break a string." He got jealous sometimes, but then he'd turn around and do the same thing to me. We blew off steam by having physical knock-down drag-outs (in lieu of sex) that were usually quite a lot of fun, but oh, what a strange relationship that was. So he dangled me for three years. I have never been so confused in my life.
You know when he FINALLY made love to me? After I had moved on to a greater love (no, he still never went away - would be there sometimes when the guy picked me up for a date) - after I'd moved on and really in love with someone, someone who would have sex, and then that guy slept with my oldest girlfriend, so I was going through all that trauma and that of course broke that up. And to further piss me off the so-called best friend then went through my little black book, looked up and contacted all my significant men under the pretense of seeking advice on how to calm me down or whatever just so she could get sympathy. Well, she contacted him, who, of course, she knew a little since he was still around some, and THEY got together and he sat there listening to her b*llsh*t and then started trying to talk sense to ME about it one night when we were going out clubbing and I had just gotten to his apartment and we were sitting in the car. Oh, BOY, if I wasn't pissed off enough already at that girl, this was the final straw, her talking to my friends, and especially male friends, and especially him. One guy had already told me she came to him, and he told her to F off, like a good boy. But oh, no, HE had to totally buy into her BS. So it made me so mad I was screaming and crying, and I had never cried in front of him before, I don't think, so that's probably what happened. But I was crying and blubbering something about "the only man I've ever cared this much about," meaning the OTHER man, the one she F'd, and HE thought I was talking about him and took me inside, said he wanted me to stay with him, like to take care of me, and then put the make on me FINALLY. And I realized at the time it was all a mistake, that he misunderstood what I was saying, but I was just so CURIOUS because it was all I'd thought about for like 3 years until I met the other man. And it was cool, but it's sad he could only do it when I was weak, isn't it? He says he got over all that and that it was from some childhood abuse.
Oh, baby, I've been dangled. I am SO over it.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Oct 14, 2008 17:32:34 GMT -5
Yeah, men treat women like that and then they have the audacity to complain that "women are so bitter." Well, gee, I wonder WHY women are so bitter.
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Post by preraph on Oct 14, 2008 19:26:52 GMT -5
Yeah, and I just had that conversation with one recently. Just the act of them complaining about women being bitter is being bitter, so why are men allowed to be bitter but women aren't? I'll tell you why: because men like women lighthearted and laughing because to them that means no impediment to sex. It also means she may not be onto their tricks yet so they can get away with more. That's exactly what it means. I've asked. I want someone who has more courage than only to be comfortable having sex with sure things who are too young to be bitter yet and therefore aren't onto all the many ways they are getting ready to be deceived. I don't call it bitter. I call it experienced in reality.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Oct 15, 2008 2:06:11 GMT -5
It IS being experienced in reality, but in my case I was and am still bitter and angry about the way I've been treated by men. I don't think I will ever get over that feeling nor will I ever trust men. It was so demeaning to be regarded as something without value, without the slightest respect or consideration of my feelings.
There were a few men who seemed to be decent individuals and who didn't treat me that way, but they were the very rare exception.
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Post by preraph on Oct 15, 2008 10:00:45 GMT -5
I found an element in that in every man I've dated. There's this entitlement thing with men. They'd get so much more out of women if they'd just be considerate about everyday things, I tell you. Most women will give so much more if someone is just respecting their feelings and their time a little.
I don't trust anyone, men or women. I learned that under the right circumstances, pretty much anyone will betray you.
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Post by nokidsplease87 on Oct 15, 2008 11:38:02 GMT -5
I don't trust anyone, men or women. I learned that under the right circumstances, pretty much anyone will betray you. Precisely.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Oct 15, 2008 12:32:48 GMT -5
I don't trust anyone, men or women. I learned that under the right circumstances, pretty much anyone will betray you. Sadly, this is so true.
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Post by juliepoo15 on Oct 15, 2008 16:22:37 GMT -5
Oh man... We all learn this the hard way, don't we. I'm learning this lesson now as I look for another job. My boss just betrayed me BIG TIME. Ah, but I should have known. Nothing speaks louder than the almighty dollar.
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Post by midoria on Oct 16, 2008 21:48:04 GMT -5
Sorry to say, but in my experience when men want to break things off, most of them seem to do so by either putting increasing emotional distance in the relationship and/or just eventually disappearing, leaving the woman dangling and wonderering what happened. You know, when I used to attend Quranic study, I read about a verse that stated that men are not allowed to leave women in relationship limbo, so to speak. Either they must formally end the relationship or begin the reconciliation process. I never understood it until I got older and saw how often men do that. According to the Quran, they've been doing it for centuries. It's something that I just don't understand! OT: I wish Islam would undergo some sort of reform because there are many parts of the Islamic law and mortality system that are so practical and would help a lot of people. But they get marred in political and cultural hogwash and archaic interpretations. But I digress...
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Oct 16, 2008 23:46:52 GMT -5
Sorry to say, but in my experience when men want to break things off, most of them seem to do so by either putting increasing emotional distance in the relationship and/or just eventually disappearing, leaving the woman dangling and wonderering what happened. You know, when I used to attend Quranic study, I read about a verse that stated that men are not allowed to leave women in relationship limbo, so to speak. Either they must formally end the relationship or begin the reconciliation process. I never understood it until I got older and saw how often men do that. According to the Quran, they've been doing it for centuries. It's something that I just don't understand! I think I remember reading or hearing somewhere that men do that to avoid having to deal with the woman's feelings. Such cowardly behavior disgusts me. When I was dating, the one thing that pissed me off more than anything was "I'll call you" routine--saying they would call when they knew damn good and well they had no intentions of ever doing so. Why do they have to lie? I hate men. I really do.
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Post by preraph on Oct 17, 2008 9:49:09 GMT -5
I think it's a combination of cowardice and hating confrontation (which makes no sense in my case because he's a master debater, but I STILL think it's cowardice) and also the attitude that they're mad at you so they don't owe you anything.
I avoided a lot of the whole "I'll call you" thing because I went without a phone for so many years. Haha.
Well, my man-retard finally wrote a couple of emails, so at least I know he's still alive, but I wrote him one loaded one he hasn't gotten to yet trying to get myself out of limbo, because if he's petering out, my *ss is going to California for some fun soon. And I may anyway.
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Post by kiddinla on Oct 17, 2008 22:13:36 GMT -5
wow, lots of good info:) i guess i've been lucky because in the few relationships i have had, it was a clean break. BUT, i have had problems with two friends (male), so in a small way, i can understand the frustration. One guy would say stuff that would sound good, but he NEVER delivered. I told him upfront that it makes him look bad, and i don't like to be left hanging. He continued to do it. Example: "I'll call you next weekend, and we'll go fishing" You guessed it, nothing happened. In the case of the other ex friend, i started noticing that i was making all the effort, i would go to his place to hang out, i'd drive, i'd call (most of the time), etc. I still think that he enjoyed my company, but for some reason, he didn't want to reciprocate. The final straw was when he wanted in on my business (lawn). I told him to get ten regular customers, and then we'll talk. I would be taking a cut in pay!He flipped it around on me, and said stuff like "i have to take chances, etc.". I waited five years, and dropped by. He was injured in an accident, but was still full of ****. I told myself that this is the last time i will contact him, and even if he contacted me, i would keep my distance. Bye. oh yeah, never heard from him:) Good.
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noregrets78
Full Member
See you in infinity...
Posts: 151
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Post by noregrets78 on Nov 4, 2008 10:57:25 GMT -5
Yea, that girl I mentioned I was dating bailed on me over the weekend. I knew it was coming, not unexpected.
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mar
Full Member
Posts: 237
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Post by mar on Nov 4, 2008 18:03:02 GMT -5
Yea, that girl I mentioned I was dating bailed on me over the weekend. I knew it was coming, not unexpected. I'm sorry, but all for the best before it went any further.. Good thing you've been 'snipped' or she might have got preggie "by accident". IMO you're far better off without a woman that's got baby rabies. My gawd , can you imagine how drastically changed your life would become. I'll bet there's a lot of relationships that don't work out because one of the partners wants to have kids. YUK...
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Post by midoria on Nov 4, 2008 18:34:42 GMT -5
I'm 100% with Mar on that.
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Post by preraph on Nov 4, 2008 23:14:23 GMT -5
I know seeing it coming doesn't necessarily make it any easier emotionally. Knowing someone won't commit does dampen the emotions, but it doesn't extinguish them, because you get invested before you know these things -- at least I do. It just hurts, and no amount of logic changes that. Sorry you're going through it.
Even though there seem to be way more women on this board than men, I do think you're right about there being more men out there who don't want children. I wish I understood why so many have them anyway. I envision it being the case that they just cave in to pressure from their family as well as the woman, and I tend to think it's mostly the families, for some reason, since with men, it's kind of rare for them to do something they don't want to just because a woman wants them to. I wonder if it's because they'd rather give in than risk anyone thinking they're "not responsible enough" to parents, too. Anyway, I know it takes courage to stick to your guns, and sometimes the price you pay is high.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Nov 5, 2008 0:15:26 GMT -5
I know seeing it coming doesn't necessarily make it any easier emotionally. Knowing someone won't commit does dampen the emotions, but it doesn't extinguish them, because you get invested before you know these things -- at least I do. It just hurts, and no amount of logic changes that. Sorry you're going through it. I do think that knowing the breakup was coming--and why--does make it a little bit easier. At least it was that way for me. It still sucks, though. I do think you're right about there being more men out there who don't want children. That may be true now, but it sure wasn't true of the men of my generation.
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Post by cnu5000 on Nov 5, 2008 7:27:48 GMT -5
I think the reason there are more women on this board then men is that women tend to be mroe social and they may feel more social pressure/conflicted about not having children.
My husband is solidly child-free(he is 53). I think I am on this board because I feel more conflicted and I think the biology makes women think about it more.
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noregrets78
Full Member
See you in infinity...
Posts: 151
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Post by noregrets78 on Nov 5, 2008 12:10:18 GMT -5
Trust me, I'm totally fine with the breakup. We had more issues than I could count, not just the child ones.
The only thing that sucks now is finding someone CF. VERY rare around here. I know its going to be rough but I have no regrets on getting snipped and I think that will help weed out those who have other intentions.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Nov 5, 2008 16:08:38 GMT -5
I know its going to be rough but I have no regrets on getting snipped and I think that will help weed out those who have other intentions. It was helpful for me. Before I had the tubal many potential partners thought I still might change my mind. Afterwards, they knew I was serious and realized that I had no potential as a future breeder. So if that was their agenda, they just moved on before any real involvement took place.
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