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Post by allaboutme on Apr 6, 2009 1:47:32 GMT -5
I mostly think very clearly and logically with regard to not raising a human being. I don't see much positives or upside in raising a child and having that responsibility and have felt this way for 35 years, but once in a while I get fuzzy and confused-
Could it be that: 1.seeing all the pregnant women out there 2.in-laws would love to have their first grand child 3.getting older 4.the right thing to do 5.certain times of the month I feel the motherly instinct 6.running away from trying to discover my career 7.boredom 8.doing it to satisfy partner- even though he knows/supports my strong believes 9.easier to do what the rest of the world does 10. friends around us getting knocked up 11.to experience the bond with partner, which is that short period from birth to their first steps and all that bull sh*t stuff parents do and enjoy together (their first few years until the novelty wears off, then the reality sets in)
These are all great questions!
Is it just a phase I go through for the time being and will not last? Do I just go with the feelings? BUT, while I go through this, am I giving the husband false hopes? Why is the decision so difficult? Why can't I just be told by the dr. that I'm not able. That would be a relief...
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Post by limeygirl on Apr 6, 2009 11:20:21 GMT -5
The last line of your message says everything. I'm sure that if you did want a child, being told that you couldn't would be devastating. Many people on this board have those moments, and I commend you for writing down all the possibilities as to why you should feel this way. I guess its nature's way of making the species carry on! People have babies to make themselves happier (how selfish does that sound) but once you step over that line there's absolutely no going back. Are you just feeling a little jaded or unfulfilled? Having a baby is the toughest thing you can ever do and if you went ahead and had one would you look back and really see how wonderful your life had actually been. I think everyone is under pressure to do the "right" thing, just make sure its the right thing for YOU!!
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Post by preraph on Apr 6, 2009 11:23:56 GMT -5
I don't know why you're ambivalent, but I do know that people shouldn't have kids if there's ANY doubt that they want to have them. It's the single biggest commitment of a lifetime, and you owe a kid more than to just have them and see if you can adjust or not.
As far as that bonding with your partner, most people I know actually lose a lot of intimacy (and not just sex) with their partner. The mother becomes all-consumed with childrearing, and the father likes to work late to avoid the chaos. Most men don't like getting second priority either and always seem to act surprised and feel cheated when it happens. But if you don't give your child first priority, you're really not much of a mother, because that's the way the bond is supposed to work. You will have far less time with your husband and with your friends and with your work and, most of all, with yourself. When you have children, you have to be willing to give up your former self and life as you knew it.
There is no reason why you shouldn't have a kid if you really want to, but if everything rational is telling you you don't want to, I think it would be a huge mistake to take that chance, and totally unfair to the child. All children deserve people who really unequivocally want them. It's hard enough being a parent if your whole heart and soul is behind it 100 percent. Being one when you can't even decide if you want to will be an endless struggle.
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Post by allaboutme on Apr 6, 2009 13:03:59 GMT -5
I believe I feel this way once a month and I'm going to roll with those feelings instead of fighting them. It also really helps when I log on to this website and feel better that there are others who feel the same way I do . I have no plans and WILL not have children, unless I felt a major burning desire to really be a mom and my husband felt the same way. *I can guarantee that won't be happening, as I'm 35 and haven't felt it yet. I just wish I didn't feel confused - once in a while. Oh well, I guess I have no control over my feelings. Luckily, I have a lot of logic and common sense - to prevent perusing, and ever moving forward with bringing another human being into this world. Thanks for your comments.
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Post by preraph on Apr 6, 2009 14:24:40 GMT -5
Do you have pets? A couple of dogs might be all the nurturing you want to do without completely altering the rest of your life.
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Post by allaboutme on Apr 6, 2009 18:11:30 GMT -5
Yes, I have an amazing 4 yr old goldendoodle named Daisy May. She's my baby! ;D I'm watching an episode of Oprah where they are talking about motherhood and it's making me crack up. These real women are talking about how DIFFICULT it is to raise children. This show couldn't have come on at a better time..
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lulu
New Member
Posts: 20
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Post by lulu on Apr 14, 2009 23:14:17 GMT -5
There are more people out there in the same boat as you that aren't even aware of this website and we'll never know who they are. Your numbers 1,2,3 and 10 are the main things I think about and if you look at them they are all superficial or dependant on others feelings rather than my own. Sometimes I feel like I might be missing out on something. Then something will happen where I get to do something amazing at the spur of the moment, or a friend tells me they haven't slept well in days because the baby doesn't sleep through the night, or I can go volunteer for something I believe in, or I can afford to fix my car as soon as the check engine light goes on. When someone asks me when it is my turn, I tell them that if they want to take care of and pay for another child for the next 18 years minimum, I'll be happy to get right on that for them. Thanfully in my industry I have met many strong, childfree by choice women whom I admire. I saw the other thread about the Oprah show. Sorry I missed it!
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Post by iluvbooks on Apr 25, 2009 1:02:42 GMT -5
I don't know why you're ambivalent, but I do know that people shouldn't have kids if there's ANY doubt that they want to have them. It's the single biggest commitment of a lifetime, and you owe a kid more than to just have them and see if you can adjust or not. As far as that bonding with your partner, most people I know actually lose a lot of intimacy (and not just sex) with their partner. The mother becomes all-consumed with childrearing, and the father likes to work late to avoid the chaos. Most men don't like getting second priority either and always seem to act surprised and feel cheated when it happens. But if you don't give your child first priority, you're really not much of a mother, because that's the way the bond is supposed to work. You will have far less time with your husband and with your friends and with your work and, most of all, with yourself. When you have children, you have to be willing to give up your former self and life as you knew it. There is no reason why you shouldn't have a kid if you really want to, but if everything rational is telling you you don't want to, I think it would be a huge mistake to take that chance, and totally unfair to the child. All children deserve people who really unequivocally want them. It's hard enough being a parent if your whole heart and soul is behind it 100 percent. Being one when you can't even decide if you want to will be an endless struggle. Many of us who don't want kids do get ambivalent sometimes, and I can see why. To begin with, we live in a society where getting married and having kids get tons of praise, but no one ever says a thing about being single and child-free, except to say that it's a miserable, sorry lifestyle. And secondly, there are some cultures that put enormous pressure on people to procreate, since having babies is put on a pedestal. That doesn't make it easy for us to feel great or certain that not having babies is right for us. Come down to South Texas where I live and you'll see many people with babies and kids. The message you get here is: have babies or you're a nobody. That would include me.
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Post by preraph on Apr 25, 2009 9:22:14 GMT -5
I'm in North Texas, which isn't that much different from South Texas, and it all depends on who you surround yourself with. I have an old rock n roll crowd, and lots of them don't have kids or a settled down lifestyle, but it's true there's more kids here than anywhere, because of the exploding Hispanic immigrant population that doesn't believe in birth control and let their children have children freely, and also the conservative traditional Texas people, but at least they tend to wait until they're out of puberty to have them and are better able to provide for them themselves. Still, if you are around people who look down their nose at you FOR WHATEVER REASON, spend as little time with them as possible. I've never let it bother me what those people think.
I was so cocky when I was young, coming out of the sixties movement and everything and in the seventies liberal era, that most of us girls looked down on girls our age who chose to settle down and/or have kids, because it seemed like such a waste of freedom. I still feel that way, that they're who is missing out, not me, but each to his own. I mean, if children are your passion, then by all means go for it. But there's a lot of other choices out there.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Apr 25, 2009 12:11:50 GMT -5
when I was young, coming out of the sixties movement and everything and in the seventies liberal era, that most of us girls looked down on girls our age who chose to settle down and/or have kids, because it seemed like such a waste of freedom. I still feel that way, that they're who is missing out, not me, but each to his own. I mean, if children are your passion, then by all means go for it. But there's a lot of other choices out there. That's an interesting insight. We are about the same age, so we grew up in the same era. I don't remember it that way at all, and this was in Southern California which tended to be very liberal at that time. Still, most of us wanted to marry and settle down right after college. Most young women were married by their mid 20s and those who weren't tended to be the ones looked down on. While I think that it is wonderful for young women to have all that freedom and all those choices, I also feel that it is not for everyone, and no one feel forced into that mold any more than they should feel forced into settling down too soon. I thought it was OK for a very short time, but it got old very quickly. I didn't like living an unsettled life then, just as I don't like it now. All that time I spent living an unsettled life was just a waste, IMO. It's the big regret of my life.
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Post by preraph on Apr 25, 2009 15:04:31 GMT -5
I think it just depends what you enjoy doing. It's that simple. I wasn't at all domestic.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Apr 25, 2009 20:50:35 GMT -5
Good thing we're not all alike, huh?
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Post by preraph on Apr 25, 2009 22:06:39 GMT -5
Absolutely! Now I'm pretty domestic, though, after years of getting it out of my system. I like cooking (but not cleaning). And even though I wasn't really domestic before, even then, I did really enjoy being at home by myself a good part of the time. Now I do a whole lot of that, maybe a little TOO much!
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Post by cnu5000 on May 1, 2009 6:26:20 GMT -5
I was not at all domestic in my twenties. My mother married at thirty so that influenced me. Also I was very shy and quiet in high school so my twenties were a time to go out and have fun. I have no regrets at being CF in my twenties.
I like to cook and find it helps keeping my weight down. I don't like to clean--My apartment is not as neat as I would like it to be and my husband also is not neat.
Alot of people with children eat take-out all the time right now(with both parents working). I am finding it as plus in CF living...home cooked meals which in some ways is ironic because you would think people with children would cook more.
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Post by preraph on May 1, 2009 9:47:39 GMT -5
People with children these days, because their kids start off getting used to crap like McDonalds, all they want to eat is chicken tenders and hot dogs and pizza, so the ones I know cook a lot of junky crap at home, too, or their kids won't eat. I have one friend who the only thing I've seen her boy eat in the last few years (and she thinks it's sophisticated) is cheese quesadillas. No matter what you serve him, he'll find a way to make a tortilla cheese sandwich. She doesn't try to get him to branch out either because she likes to be his friend. What happened to the days when kids ate what was on the table or they went to bed with their stomachs growling? I grew up with the whole meat and vegetable dinner thing and a big breakfast. Now, it was mostly fried, so that wasn't good, but at least I learned to eat vegetables and not expect to only eat my favorite junk food every day. They need to go back to normal school lunches instead of vending and McDonald's and all that. It just ruins kids and between that and computers and the fact gym is no longer mandatory in school, why the big surprise they're fat before they're even out of their teens.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on May 1, 2009 13:15:00 GMT -5
They need to go back to normal school lunches instead of vending and McDonald's and all that. Where I live, they did away with the "normal" school lunches like we all remember because most of the food was ending up in the garbage. If kids aren't taught to eat healthy food at home, they're not going to eat it at school.
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Post by preraph on May 1, 2009 14:37:44 GMT -5
Good point, though I think they'll eat it if that's all that available. My school lunch wasn't really like what I got at home, but I liked it better in some ways, like the fresh yeast rolls. Not sure our school lunches were all that "healthy" either, but they were balanced, at least.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on May 1, 2009 17:36:33 GMT -5
Good point, though I think they'll eat it if that's all that available. My school lunch wasn't really like what I got at home, but I liked it better in some ways, like the fresh yeast rolls. Not sure our school lunches were all that "healthy" either, but they were balanced, at least. That's the thing, they weren't eating it even though that's all that was being served. So the district changed their menus to things that the kids would eat. That was awhile ago and I don't know what they're doing now. I rarely ate the school cafeteria food because most of what they served was nasty. It wasn't healthy, either--way too high in carbs, fat, and salt. I think it's OK to a point that the schools are restricting what they serve/sell on campus, but they've gone too far with it. I've even heard of some schools inspecting the kids' lunches that they bring from home and confiscating foods that don't meet their standards. That's way over boundaries, as far as I'm concerned. And to disallow something like a cookie or cupcake for special occasions a few times a year is just way, way over the top. They've gone from one extreme to another. As far as I'm concerned, nutritional fanacism is not a healthy thing, and it takes all the joy out of eating. Whatever happened to moderation?
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Post by cnu5000 on May 5, 2009 6:25:35 GMT -5
I think also a big difference is that growing up if we ate junk while at home at home children ate healthy food. Now they eat fast food home as well and I think it is falling on the schools to teach children healthy eating.
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Post by alphamare on Oct 11, 2009 5:48:11 GMT -5
Ive not read all the replies so sorry if this has been covered or said. Personally i find that my dogs and other animals satisfy that urge (which i too get) but all i have to do is think baout all the other stuff (i like the idea of being pregnant) but the late nights, breastfeeding, raising, nappies, teenagers, etc and the urge soon leaves I also think about all the reasons i have personally along with my husband of not wanting children and the urge is soon quashed.
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