|
Post by writerchk on Jun 29, 2009 14:31:58 GMT -5
It happened apparently when neither of us realized it. I think me and the hubster are becoming childfrees. ;D Here's the thing: our lives are getting so hectic. He works all the time at Wally World and is hoping for a promotion soon. He works in the kiddie dept, so he's around kids all day. He says he loves kids, but is becoming ambivalent about when or if to ever have one. Me? I don't care if I ever have a kid. Personally, I see no incentive. I have a great relationship with the hubster, a fab career which is gaining by leaps and bounds, I'm starting college this fall for my web content certificate, adn my best friend/cousin is cf! Kenny said he loves kids and I do too. He told me whatever we decide, he's there with me. The turning point for me I realized was when I went to see this dx adn she mentioned all kids of treatments I could have done to help with fertility. I told her I'd talk to hubby. His exact words were, "How much is it gonna cost us?" I said, "Doesn't seem worth it to me." I'm not kidding. His next reply was..... Oh well, you wanna get a pizza? That's just how we are. We're rather be togehter and crazy in love than deal with all that other crap. Gabbie
|
|
mar
Full Member
Posts: 237
|
Post by mar on Jun 29, 2009 15:20:07 GMT -5
Way to go, writerchk ! I'm sure you'll lead a much happier/healthier/wealthier life with your decision. Pizza sounds like a better choice ;D Congratulations
|
|
|
Post by cnu5000 on Jun 29, 2009 17:36:44 GMT -5
When we get married my husband was very strongly CF and I had more mixed feelings sbout the matter. However, the older I get the more I feel the woman should very strongly want a child(some really do). I think to be a good mother it is going to overtake the other parts of your life.
I know there is a lot of talk of fifty-fifty parenting but I still think the bulk of the work is going to fall on the woman and society still expects more from the woman.
|
|
|
Post by writerchk on Jun 29, 2009 17:53:49 GMT -5
When we get married my husband was very strongly CF and I had more mixed feelings sbout the matter. However, the older I get the more I feel the woman should very strongly want a child(some really do). I think to be a good mother it is going to overtake the other parts of your life. I know there is a lot of talk of fifty-fifty parenting but I still think the bulk of the work is going to fall on the woman and society still expects more from the woman. That's why for now, we're happy being a fur "mom and dad." I couldn't imagine having a human child. Not now anyway. Speedy acts like a kid enough as it is. ;D I'm 32 and it seems the older I get, the more "into" myself and my relationship I become. Not that that's a bad thing. ;D Gabbie
|
|
|
Post by nativenewyorker on Jul 28, 2009 7:54:01 GMT -5
As 4 me, I NEVER wanted to have any kids throughout my whole life. When I remarried about 7 years ago to the sweetest, most awesome guy on earth, we did try at first because I briefly went thru a period of thinking I'd maybe want one, maybe it was pressure from family/friends/society (my fencesitting years). Hubby went along with it though he didn't really want kids.
Strangely though, during my fencesitter period I never had a burning desire to conceive - a big part of me still wanted to remain CF. As it turned out, I am 43 and past my childbearing years anyway, but hubby and I enjoy our CF lifestyle, we're still very much in love, and we are the VERY PROUD PARENTS of a SWEET LABRADOR RETRIEVER who is the apple of our eye! : )
|
|
|
Post by happy2bchildfree on Jul 28, 2009 13:27:55 GMT -5
Up until about my midteens I thought I would have kids because I was so stupid I thought "that's what people do". Never mind that I never even particularly liked kids. Then I started realizing how much work and trouble kids are and that I didn't want to deal with any of that and didn't want to make the sacrifices that having kids entails. Still, I heard so much that I would change my mind, I believed it a little bit. But by the time I was in my early 20s I realized that I would forever be childfree. I have never regretted my choice and now at 55 years old I am grateful every day that I made the choice I made.
|
|
|
Post by preraph on Jul 28, 2009 20:28:25 GMT -5
I never wanted them, but I always heard it was like boys and sex: when you got older, you automatically wanted them. But no. Well, YES on the boys and sex and NO on the kids. Haha.
|
|
|
Post by cnu5000 on Aug 6, 2009 6:12:06 GMT -5
I think for me children always were the maybe and they should be able to fit into other things in my life-I think especially for the woman this is problamatic if she wants to be a good mother.
|
|
|
Post by danisty on Aug 7, 2009 11:19:52 GMT -5
I think for me children always were the maybe and they should be able to fit into other things in my life-I think especially for the woman this is problamatic if she wants to be a good mother. Ya know, I really don't believe that. Naturally, you have to sacrifice a lot (a whole lot more than I would consider sacrificing), but I do believe you can be a perfectly good mother and still fit in other things. Women just don't for some reason (peer pressure?) and it shows by how bratty their kids are....they give them way too much.
|
|
|
Post by preraph on Aug 7, 2009 15:57:11 GMT -5
A lot of that just depends on if you have money or not. If you don't, you can't hire childcare or a nanny and you've having to work too and too tired and busy to go do anything fun. If you have money, it makes having kids a lot easier. I can't believe broke people have kids, but I guess if they didn't, we'd have a pretty weird social structure genetically.
|
|
|
Post by danisty on Aug 8, 2009 12:25:47 GMT -5
A lot of that just depends on if you have money or not. If you don't, you can't hire childcare or a nanny and you've having to work too and too tired and busy to go do anything fun. If you have money, it makes having kids a lot easier. I can't believe broke people have kids, but I guess if they didn't, we'd have a pretty weird social structure genetically. I don't know. I have one online friend who's hubby is in the Air Force and I know they don't make a lot of money. She's a SAHM with three little girls and she doesn't seem to have any end to personal ambitions and hobbies. I'm not going to even guess how she does it money-wise, but time-wise, it seems that she and her husband have set up a very orderly routine and actually discipline their children. Not only is she getting her second degree, she's taught all of her kids how to read before even getting into pre-k. Now obviously, this is partially possible because she loves being a mom. I think honestly one of the biggest problems today is that children are spoiled and given way too much power in the family. To steal a line from Cesar Millan, I think most parents are being horrible pack leaders. The kids I see today get away with things I NEVER would have been allowed to do. It's really no wonder that their parents are miserable when they allow themselves to do as their children tell them. I won't argue that money helps...a lot. But does that make people good parents? I don't know. When people get nannies and such, I wonder why these people bothered to breed in the first place. If you don't want to actually be the parent, why have kids? I suppose it's just fashionable. So basically, who's definition of being a "good mother" are we following? Are we just succumbing to the definitions of people who think you have to let your children suck up your soul like miniature psychic vampires? If so, then yes, it is impossible to be a good mother and have your own life. If we're talking about truly responsible parenting when you don't let your child run the show, I think with planning and discipline, it is possible, but not if you don't really want a child in the first place. If you don't really want a child, no amount of sacrifice will ever feel acceptable. That is where I am and where I have always been. I couldn't sacrifice even 15 minutes of my day for a child.
|
|
|
Post by preraph on Aug 8, 2009 14:15:11 GMT -5
Oh, certainly money and good parent have nothing much to do with each other. It's just easier to have a life other than parenting if you have money, much easier. Otherwise, you have to be really determined and dedicated to the cause and have the full cooperation of your spouse, which is rare. I know my friend totally lets her son rule the house and everything they do and don't do. It's insane.
|
|
|
Post by cnu5000 on Aug 10, 2009 6:21:06 GMT -5
I read once an interesting article on why parents spoil children-I can't find the link to it. It has something to do with parents wanting to get children''s love and approval.
I think there is a lot of being a tough cop in being a parent.
In regards, to being a good mother-I don't think a child of mine would be getting quality time if I worked full-time. I come back from work and I am tired. Maybe for other women it is different.
I feel my plate is very full between working full-time, having a needy husband, friends and now having more needy elderly parents.
|
|
|
Post by preraph on Aug 10, 2009 8:38:03 GMT -5
CNU, that's right about why they spoil. It's usually people who had trouble getting approval from one of their own parents. It affects their relationships their whole life. My friend who lets the boy make the rules had a totally absent alcoholic father and a nice but distracted mother. She was an alcoholic by 14. She's been sober for over a decade now, but she still picks men who treat her bad and ignore her a lot because then it's rewarding when she wins any little bit of attention from them. She has always let her son get away with murder, and she thinks it's cute when he is obstinate.
|
|
|
Post by cnu5000 on Aug 11, 2009 5:58:02 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by preraph on Aug 11, 2009 8:24:55 GMT -5
Thanks. I was at a waterpark yesterday and just overhearing the way mothers talk to their children now, it is so different than how it used to be. They are always negotiating and pleading with them to behave and you constantly hear them throwing out gratis praise for them doing nothing but walking down the sidewalk. They're rewarding them for NOTHING. I totally agree and practice rewarding people and animals for good behavior, but 5 seconds of walking in a straight line does not merit a display of praise. SUSTAINED good behavior merits praise -- and it merits praise, not an X-box.
|
|
|
Post by danisty on Aug 11, 2009 13:08:26 GMT -5
Interesting article and mostly correct, but I disagree with this: "Parents have this illusion that if they give their children the reason why they can't do what they want, the child will stop wanting it, and as far as I know, that has never happened in the history of parenting!" says Nancy Samalin, a parenting educator and author of Loving Without Spoiling. Instead of trying to reason your child into obeying you, simply say, "No, and that's the end of the discussion."For me, this was the absolute wrong approach. If I asked why, I needed a real answer and having gotten that answer, I learned to rationalize things and accept things as they are. "Because I said so" would never, ever have worked on me. So, Ms. Samalin, it has happened at least once in the history of parenting.
|
|
|
Post by happy2bchildfree on Aug 11, 2009 14:31:19 GMT -5
Interesting article and mostly correct, but I disagree with this: "Parents have this illusion that if they give their children the reason why they can't do what they want, the child will stop wanting it, and as far as I know, that has never happened in the history of parenting!" says Nancy Samalin, a parenting educator and author of Loving Without Spoiling. Instead of trying to reason your child into obeying you, simply say, "No, and that's the end of the discussion."For me, this was the absolute wrong approach. If I asked why, I needed a real answer and having gotten that answer, I learned to rationalize things and accept things as they are. "Because I said so" would never, ever have worked on me. So, Ms. Samalin, it has happened at least once in the history of parenting. I disagree as well. If I was given a valid reason for why I should/shouldn't be doing/not doing something, I would almost always obey because I felt that I was being treated in a respectful manner. If I got the "because I said so" crap, all it did was make me really angry and I would almost always disobey, out of spite, because I felt disrespected. So there you have it. It has apparently happened twice in the history of parenting.
|
|
|
Post by preraph on Aug 11, 2009 17:40:15 GMT -5
I fall in the middle on this. I think kids must be trained to do it because the parent said to and not question everything, which is disrespectful. I do think they should be explained things that they need to know; but for example, if a kid is whining and carrying on because they want yet another candy bar, I don't think the parent should have to keep explaining to them why they can't have candy every single time they want it. They should be taught we can't have everything we want when we want it, and there should be tangible consequences if they continue to challenge constantly.
|
|
|
Post by danisty on Aug 11, 2009 18:47:58 GMT -5
I fall in the middle on this. I think kids must be trained to do it because the parent said to and not question everything, which is disrespectful. I do think they should be explained things that they need to know; but for example, if a kid is whining and carrying on because they want yet another candy bar, I don't think the parent should have to keep explaining to them why they can't have candy every single time they want it. They should be taught we can't have everything we want when we want it, and there should be tangible consequences if they continue to challenge constantly. I think there is a big difference between not taking any crap and blowing them off like they are incapable of understanding you. Sure, if they keep whining you lay down the law, but that doesn't mean they don't need a reason or deserve a reason. I don't think merely questioning something is disrespectful. How are kids supposed to learn any reasoning skills if they are never given reasons? You don't really want children to just trust all authority, no questions asked. That's just way too dangerous and doesn't teach them to think for themselves.
|
|