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Post by cperryfranz on Jul 26, 2009 15:53:55 GMT -5
Hello Everyone,
I'm a newbie to this board. I am desperately looking for some support.
A little about me. I'm 48 and DH is 38. We have been on the TTC journey for 3 years. At the beginning my DH was really into it. We have had m/c, two failed donor egg cycles done in Ukraine. An incomplete adoption in Ukraine. Also, we were denied adoption through the state. (Long story...) We now have been working with a surrogate. She has had 4 failed cycles and we found out it was d/t my DH taking testosterone supplements. We had no idea that the side effect from this drug would cause no sperm!! Talk about frustration!! AGH....
Anyway, I'm here b/c I'm trying to consider a life without children. Actually my DH is done with all of it and wants to move on. I'm having such a hard time moving on. I have one month to figure this out, whether to pursue with my surrogate or call it quits. I don't want to loose my DH over this. I have waited for years to someone like him. He would be willing to move forward, but does not want to be a dad full time. I would risk our relationship by moving forward.... So, here I am, weeping, feeling empty inside, trying to look at all the things being child free would give me. I would have more money to do the things we really want. My age is a factor, I don't have family close by to help out. We would actually have retirement money....It seems that their are more pro's than con's with being child free.
But, why can't I get that? Why do I insist on being tormented inside around this. How do you all move through the pain? Do you have any regrets?
I would love to hear from you and welcome your suggestions,
Sincerely,
C
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Post by preraph on Jul 26, 2009 17:06:12 GMT -5
Sorry for your situation. Here at "Childfree by Choice, everyone here is childfree because they prefer to be childfree and didn't want kids anyway, though there are a few who are feeling pressure from family and friends to do so. Feel free to read the many posts as to the advantages, but don't expect to find too many people here who wish they had kids, because that's not what this board is about. It sounds like the choice is actually out of your hands anyway and that maybe you should see a counselor, if you can, to work through your frustration about the situation.
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Post by charmedlassie on Jul 26, 2009 20:25:28 GMT -5
The people on this board made the desicion quite young not to have children so it will be rare to find anyone with regret because of not having them. Its hard for you to come to terms with not having children because you want them. Being broody is a strong emotion, it makes you think illogically. It can be all consuming. vomitcomit.wordpress.com/2007/03/26/i-cannot-handle-being-a-mother-anymore/#comment-50257This link may make you feel a little better about your situation. Its mothers telling us how it REALLY is to be a mother, not the fairytale of chirstmasses around the table and first words. Counselling like preraph suggested can help you x |
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Jul 26, 2009 21:42:03 GMT -5
I am sorry for your situation, but on this board you are unlikely to find anyone in your situation. Those of us here either never wanted children or were undecided but ultimately decided to not have them. We have no regrets about not having them.
ChildFREE people are people who have voluntarily chosen to never have or raise a child. ChildLESS people are those who do not have children by circumstance, rather than choice.
It can be very hard to accept that you will never have something that you want very much. As
Preraph suggested, counseling is a good idea. I'm sure there are Internet sites/message boards for those in your situation that might be of help to you. I have heard of one called "Resolve", but I don't have the link. Good luck to you.
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Post by cperryfranz on Jul 27, 2009 11:39:24 GMT -5
Thanks Ladies, I do see a therapist.... Sorry, I thought I posted in the right place...It said "fence sitters" meaning people who are on the fence whether they want children or not?  ?? |
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Post by preraph on Jul 27, 2009 13:37:25 GMT -5
Yes, we have a "fencesitters" section, and we get a lot of young people who are just beginning to think about if they really want kids or not, but I'm just saying for someone who is really trying to have a child like you are, that's not really fencesitting but being unable to conceive, plus problems with you and the husband disagreeing (which IS something we often discuss here and you're welcome to join in). But overall, you might find a little more support with a group who really want kids, as you do, and will sympathize with your desire to have them. But please take time to read the posts here about the positive side of not having kids, too, and think about that. Maybe it will be some consolation to you. I tend to think that if a person really wants kids, they're not going to change their mind about that, but will just have to cope with it when they can't, and I hope you find a way to do that and be at peace about it.
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Post by nativenewyorker on Jan 12, 2010 12:15:47 GMT -5
IMHO, once someone goes thru all the trouble of TTC & even flying to another country & working with a surrogate, is far from a true fencesitter, per se.
I've called myself a fencesitter because I occasionally experience some regrets & what ifs (which I think is natural) & am very sensitive to outside pressures but I never in my heart would ever consider actively TTC. I always knew in my heart that parenthood is NOT for me.
When people would pester me to think about TTC I would get a sick, trapped feeling in my gut, like I couldn't breathe. Like it's my body telling me it's something I should DEFINITELY not do.
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mar
Full Member
Posts: 237
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Post by mar on Jan 12, 2010 17:25:45 GMT -5
What is TTC ? |
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Jan 12, 2010 17:31:14 GMT -5
IMHO, once someone goes thru all the trouble of TTC & even flying to another country & working with a surrogate, is far from a true fencesitter, per se. I agree. IMO, anyone who has pursued parenthood by any means, whether natural TTC, TTC by medical intervention, surrogate, adoption, whatever--that person is childLESS, not childFREE. They will never be truly childFREE because if their crcumstances had permitted, they would have opted for parenthood. For our purposes on this board, a fencesitter is someone who is undecided about whether or not they want children at all, not someone who has already pursued parenthood and is undecided about whether or not to continue pursuing it. |
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Jan 12, 2010 17:33:09 GMT -5
What is TTC ? TTC=Trying to conceive |
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Post by preraph on Jan 12, 2010 20:36:24 GMT -5
Lots of people don't know the terminology, having not been drawn to these type boards before. It's all explained on the intro page, but not everyone bothers to read all that.
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