Upset with being told "I will regret it"

[happycat]

Hi there,

I'm a 34-year-old female and I definitely don't want kids. The reason I've just joined this forum is because I've been told twice in the last three months that I will regret this decision later in life. Once, by a woman with two children, and once by a woman with no children, both in their fifties and both women I love and respect.

Even though I never want to face the stress and drudgery of being a mother, these comments have been really bothering me. How could I know how I will be feeling when I am their age? The childless woman also said that I would be "lonely" later, and that I would feel it much more when my parents pass away. I am very close to my parents, and their passing would indeed be devastating.

I would be grateful for your thoughts, as I would much prefer to feel strong in my decision, as I did before. . . Thank you.

[mar]

happycat - you sound very certain in your first sentence .."....I definitely don't want kids." So what's the deal ? You don't want kids, period.

Don't let other people decide if you will be sorry later in life. We are all filled with "what if" thoughts. That could rule your life if you let it.

Get a tubal so there are no "accidents".

[preraph]

Welcome, Happycat! I'm lucky, because my relatives and friends knew I was enjoying life as is and that my life in no way resembled the life of a settled down mother who would just give her life over to children, so I didn't get hit as hard with it as I think most people on this board did. If you do what you want to do, you will NOT have any regrets! No amount of children can guarantee that you won't have a lonely moment. I think they lonliest women I've seen are the ones who have given up their own aspirations and lives to devote themselves to motherhood full-time. Listening to a toddler blather for three years straight isn't exactly going to alleviate lonliness. You can see it on a lot of mothers' faces, the desperation. At least part of the time they feel trapped, even if that feeling is outweighed by their love for their children. So no matter which route you take, life will not be without sacrifice. I think there's a lot less sacrifice when you are following your dreams, whether it be career, marriage, travel, having pets or having children. If you do exactly what your heart of heart wants to do, you can look back and say, well, life may not be perfect, but I know I did what was right for me. That's how I feel. I wouldn't change a thing. I did what I wanted to do, stayed focused on that.

Lose friends because they have children? Yes, you will. It's important to keep making new friends, under any circumstances, and as you get older, the opportunities are fewer, so you have to get creative, but it all comes down to if you're doing what you really want to do, that is also the best opportunity to meet people with whom you will really click.

One of our members (apologize for not remembering who) rightly pointed out that showing any indecision or wavering on the subject will encourage people trying to change your mind. I was always blunt by nature, so anyone who said anything like that to me, usually a virtual stranger, I would say bluntly, "Having children has never even been in the top 10 on the list of things I want to do with my life." That usually shuts them up.

If you read back in the archives, you'll find a whole lot of discussion on these subjects that I know you will find validating!

[happy2bchildfree]

When I was younger I was often told that I would regret my decision. It's been a lot of years since then and as the years have gone by, I am more and more sure with each passing year that I made the right choice.

Having children is no guarantee that they will be there for you in your later years. And even if it was, it still wouldn't be worth it to me to sacrifice away my young years in raising them.

When I used to be told that I would regret my choice, I would tell the person that in the unlikely event of that happening, I would much rather end up regretting that I didn't have a child than to have had a child and then regretting that I ever had it. That tended to shut them up. I also used to tell them that if I did end up regretting it, it would be my regret and not theirs so there was no need for them to concern themselves with it.

I have always been blunt. As Preraph mentioned, showing any indecision, acting apologetic about your choice or trying to justify your choice will just encourage people to try and change your mind. Stand firm, and they will be less likely to give you a hard time about your choice or try to change your mind.

[happycat]

Thank you all soooo much! You have no idea how comforting your experiences and advice are: to ignore the "what ifs" that will always be there . . . that it's much better to regret not having children than to regret having them (I will definitely use that one). . . the importance of making new friends (and how!!) . . . the loneliness of listening to a toddler blather . . . sacrificing one's young years . . . .Your words really hit home for me.
Just got back from a lunch with my three soon-to-be bridesmaids, all of whom used to be really fun: one with two young children (one with special needs), one who brought her babbling baby with her to monopolize the entire conversation, and one who is currently trying to get pregnant. It is so incomprehensible to me why anyone would want that!! And the way they just entirely forget the basic courtesy of "taking an interest in someone else besides yourself and your baby," the moment they have the kid . . . It's all so depressing.

[preraph]

And yet they call US selfish. It's inexcusable behavior just shutting down all your interest in what were presumably good old friends just because you have a child. I understand you'll be too busy to think straight, but that's no excuse to abandon all politeness -- and not everyone does, but a shocking number of them do. I just had lunch today with an old friend who is managing to balance it pretty well. The last two lunches, I have even said she should feel free to bring the toddler, who isn't too big a pain in public, but she has opted to have girl time and left her with the husband. And she doesn't overly talk about them either. She needs the adult conversation and is still interested in our old crowd, etc., and says her new mother friends are a necessity but she doesn't feel a real connection with them.

Not sure there is any really great solution, but I'd say that although everyone has to be a little understanding when anyone is in a situation that is overwhelming to them, whatever it may be, including young children, no one should just let them rewrite the rules without limitation. As Dr. Phil says, You teach people how to treat you. I don't care how harried they are, many of them still find time to go shopping and have their nails done, so I think they can be expected to exercise a little politeness and cooperation in maintaining friendships as well. Of course, they're so busy scrambling to find other mothers to foist the children off on play dates that it is true that those of us who aren't good for that often become devalued -- but in my opinion, if that happens, it must not have been THAT great of a friendship to begin with, perhaps more a friendship of convenience. My friend gets the new mother friends just SO she can get in the occasional girl time, which is awesome.

[happycat]

I have to admit, I did see it coming, but it's like they have become completely different people. You are so lucky to have a friend who is still like you. These children are over a year old, the crisis period is over, and yet their mothers are completely unable to talk about anything else. And yes, I am questioning the value of those friendships in the first place.

[catsnotkids]

There's a million different things to regret if that's your attitude in life. I'm new to this forum too. The more I think about having kids, the more excited I get about NOT having them. Some women my age start pouring over magazines devoted to babies and I get jazzed reading about the childfree life. As with all things, true fulfillment comes through self-knowledge. I see the childfree life as a life full of freedom, time to meditate, and realize that so long as you're deeply in tune with reality as it unfolds, there are no regrets.

[preraph]

Hi Catsnotkids. Welcome to the board! I agree with what you said about being in tune with reality. I know it's easier for some people to really know what they want than others though. I've always known what I wanted in pretty much every situation, so that made it easier for me to not have doubts. I agree with Happy2BeChildfree's statement above that it's much better to regret not having them than regret having them. I have to say that for the years I've been on this board, I haven't seen anyone come forth saying they now regret being childfree. Most of us are SO glad we were true to ourselves and did what seemed right for us.

[fencesitter]

Happycat, it sounds like you feel confident in your childfree life. It's good that you're taking into consideration comments about possible "regrets."

In your shoes, here's what I'd focus on: If you ever did want children at a younger age, but were led by life's circumstances to change your mind, regrets are probably inevitable later on. If you never wanted them to begin with, it's an extremely bad idea to allow others' comments to sway you.

Still it's good that others are warning you that by the time you reach the critical stage in your 40's, you will have inevitably sacrificied some choices in favor of others. It's impossible to know now how you'll feel 10 years down the line. My advice would be to follow your heart. And, YES, as your parents age, that takes a toll if you have been close to them (even if not, yet you still came to love them deeply). I do think that the distraction of children and the -- albeit narcissistic, but human -- continuation of the life cycle through children might lessen the burden of losing your parents.

Life is beautiful, even with all its challenges. I chose my freedom over children, but as my parents have aged, it has become a more conflicted choice than when I was your age.

I'm doing my best to guide and not to influence you one way or the other...it is indeed your own life and you must make choices that make the most of it for you and those you love. Life can, and should, be full with or without children.

[mar]

Happycat
Don' let it be depressing. Be uplifted and happy that you won't have to spend your life with the drudgery of being tied down with kids.

Book a manicure, pedicure, facial or whatever and just relax

[happycat]

I might just do that! :-)

It has really helped me to hear all of your feedback. We also had an all-day party at our place yesterday, with about 30 friends dropping in and out. Only three children, but they traumatized our cats and completely monopolized their parents. I was so glad I wasn't the one having to attend to them every single second! I do agree that the sheer amount of time that must be invested in children must detract from the pain of losing one's parents. Continuation of the life cycle, though . . . I will have to think about that one.

[danisty]

Think about this for a minute. The person without a child is telling you that they regret not having a child, but how do they really know? They never had a child, so they do not actually know what they did or did not miss out on. They are only speculating about their own life.

One of our members (apologize for not remembering who) rightly pointed out that showing any indecision or wavering on the subject will encourage people trying to change your mind.

That sounds like something I might have said. If not, I definitely agree with whoever did say it!

[happy2bchildfree]

Jan 5, 2010 11:56:39 GMT -5 danisty said:

Think about this for a minute. The person without a child is telling you that they regret not having a child, but how do they really know? They never had a child, so they do not actually know what they did or did not miss out on. They are only speculating about their own life.

I think that when someone feels that they missed out on something, they tend to idealize or romanticize whatever it is they feel they missed out on.

[kiddinla]

I wouldn't think of not having kids as a black and white issue. You have a chance to make many connections with all kinds of people of all ages; and it's free. Maybe some people regret that they weren't a nice person. That's why they were lonely at the end. I'm sure that that the mother and child bond is a special thing, but it can also be nothing.

[cnu5000]

I think it is a stupid question to ask if you will regret not having children. Life is full of what if questions. I think parents often feel guitly about they way they raise their children. Also I think it is easier to express the "regret" of not having children then the regret of having them-it makes people look at bad parents.

I am fortunate that I was never under pressure to have children and my husband did not want children. I did go through some mild wondering what it would be like to have children in mid to late forties and at 50 I feel relief.

I once asked a 100 year old man if he regreted not having children(I think he may have been volunatarily CF). He said you don't know what you are getting and it should be up to the woman who does most of the work. I think it is good advise.

[sweetnsour]

Hello Happycat and welcome. I have to say that I've never had anyone tell me that I'll regret not having kids. This is because I do not allow my reproductive decisons to become part of a discussion unless I'm posting on childfree boards, others who are childfree or a medical provider. In someone comes straight out and makes a comment, I have some creative responses. In what context did these 2 women bring up the comments that you'll regret not having children?

If you've definitely decided that you don't want children, have conveyed this to others and they insist that you'll regret your decision, then they're just manipulators. I have never told someone who had made it abundantly clear that he or she definitely wanted kids that he or she would regret it later. This is because I am genuinely enjoying my decision and want everyone else to enjoy thiers, no matter what the decision is. Just keep in mind that misery loves company. One woman once even told me that you she wanted her son to have kids just so that he could experience all the misery that he had put her through. Telling someone who has made it clear that they don't want kids later will regretlater is selfish. If you really think about it, it's really about it, they're making it about them and not about you. So stick to your guns and let misery enjoy itself.

[april0004]

happycat, you are my twin in this arena...I am also 34 (and a half) and have had people tell me I will regret not having kids. A childhood friend of mine was having difficulty conceiving and her mother told me not wanting to have kids is a sign of immaturity and selfishness. My whole life I have said I didn't want kids and I was always met with "you'll change your mind", and I half expected to from hearing that so much. Other people have told me my biological clock will take over and give me and unbearable desire to procreate...here I am and 34 and people still tell me I will change my mind...
It doesn't make it any easier to be on Facebook and see all my friends and old classmates my age doting over each others' kids. It does make me feel like a bit of an outcast.

[happy2bchildfree]

May 22, 2010 17:22:38 GMT -5 april0004 said:

It doesn't make it any easier to be on Facebook and see all my friends and old classmates my age doting over each others' kids. It does make me feel like a bit of an outcast.

It can be difficult to not fit in. I would rather be an outcast than make a life choice I know I would have hated just for the sake of fitting in.

[Miss Night Owl]

I love it - there are so many great quotes here for people to use if anyone gives them trouble about not wanting kids!

I can think of a small number of things that I might regret, but not having children would be the least of them by far no matter what.

I agree that a lot of regret can come from the fantasy that the other choice would have worked out better. No way to know for sure without a time machine, but when I think about my life, I can easily imagine the extra strain I would have had if I had kids back then. No matter how good the kids are, it's many years of work and worry. I know that because I used to work with good children and enjoyed it, but also enjoyed going home afterward.