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Post by nightchild on Feb 16, 2010 18:09:48 GMT -5
Well, I don't know if I've ever posted before, but here it is.
I am a very young looking 36 year old woman, generally people mistake me for 26, so I rarely get bothered by co-workers, acquaintences or strangers about MY reproductive choices. But as I near my 37th birthday (when my own mom had her last child), I find myself not knowing whether I want one. I see kids on tv and kids I know, and sometimes get all mushy around certain times of the year, but that *drive*? That *knowing that you want to have a child has NEVER been there for me. In fact, it only changed to a "maybe" after meeting my DH.
I have been reading here for a few years now, but I find myself wavering back and forth between wanting my own life to myself, and wanting to share it with a child. Doesn't help that my DH has anger issues which, although in the past scare me enough to not want to, and also the fact that we have been together 10 years and are pretty settled.
We recently built a house with the possibility of having kids, and I refer to one of the bedrooms as "our kid's" already - but it's more of a "in the future, if it happens" feeling. Problem is, I am running out of future to play with at my age - maybe another 10 years tops - and I don't know how well I'll do with having a kid in my mid forties.
Any advice, or reassuraces?
Thanks, all.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Feb 16, 2010 18:49:52 GMT -5
You definitely sound to me like you are leaning towards NOT having a kid.
What jumped out at me was your mention of your dh having anger issues. As someone who grew up with a father with anger issues, I can tell you that I wouldn't wish it on any child. The problems it caused me have been lifelong.
The only advice I will offer is that your dh needs to resolve his anger issues BEFORE there is a child in the picture. I cannot stress this enough. He should work on his anger issues regardless, but especially if there will be a child.
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Post by preraph on Feb 16, 2010 18:49:59 GMT -5
I don't know how bad your husband's anger issues are, but if he ever gets physical or demeans, controls, or humiliates you or others, don't bring a child into that. All it takes is one incident to terrify a child and change them forever. I know this because that's all it happened in my household. After that I laid awake sweating with fear anytime I heard him get up to go the the bathroom because I wondered if he was going to his closet to get the gun and kill my mom. She said he had lost it one other time when I was a baby, so it wasn't ongoing, though he did lose his temper a lot and just rage, which is very scary as well. They always acted like I couldn't hear them fighting, when it was unavoidable. I had to just act like nothing happened, and I would be in my room frozen with dread the whole time. As I got older, I spent as much time out of the house (fortunately we lived in the country) as possible to avoid the chaos.
By many people's standards, my parents problems were minor. I just can't imagine living in a household where it happened more frequently than mine. If you want a child, unless his rage problems are nonphysical and the yelling is mild and contained, I would choose another partner. It's one thing to put up with it yourself and another to victimize kids. My dad never laid a hand on us kids, but it didn't matter. The fear was excruciating all the same. Lots of people have rage issues. There's no shame in it, but they need to be dealt with through anger management or private counseling. It isn't anything that can change in weeks or months. It's something you have to keep working on. People get rage issues from growing up with parents who fight or are abusive or neglectful. It's a cycle.
If you don't have a big desire to have kids yet, it doesn't sound to me like you ever will. Trust me, you'll find plenty of wonderful uses for that spare bedroom. My spare bedrooms are a wardrobe with a rotating clothing rack and a library. Everyone who comes over that has a family is green with envy that I have no storage space problems and red plastic toys all over the house. It's a choice.
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Post by fencesitter on Feb 17, 2010 20:03:50 GMT -5
If you want children, dump this *sshole in short order. Please evaluate the decision of whether to have a child INDEPENDENT of your relationship with this man, who clearly is not "father" material (artificial insemination would be preferable to having your child tied to him forever). If you want a child, it'd be better to have one on your own or with a better mate, than to risk their well-being by being raised in a potentially violent/verbally abusive household.
My advice: Whatever you do, don't let a poor relationship with a man be the determining factor; follow your own heart regarding whether YOU want children now or in the future.
I let my poor relationships with a couple men affect my decision not to have children, and it's not comforting in the least as time passes. I certainly don't advocate single motherhood, but neither do I advocate that someone who truly wishes to have children, forgo that desire because she's with an unsuitable mate.
As one very good friend of mine said, men are replaceable, children are not.
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