My Biggest Question

[catsmeow3770]

Couples who do not have children.. Who takes care of them in their last years?

See 36 on my birthday cake was a little worry some....

Please tell me what older couples do.

[preraph]

Children rarely remain in the same geographical region as their parents anyway, and most everyone these days has to work, so it's not like it used to be. Most old folks don't move in with their children, at least in the U.S. And just because you have children is absolutely no guarantee that your relationship with them will be good enough they want to take you in in your old age. But the biggest thing is that so many people are working all the time, who has time to care for old folks like they need to be cared for? That's why there's nursing homes and home health care. Medicare will pay for it. I mean, no one is going to uproot their own self or their own family in order to care for their parents. They can't afford to. And if they can afford to, there's better ways to do it, like hiring home health services.

[danisty]

I'm only 31, so I don't have any personal experience with this yet, but I've been watching my grandmother and my mother. My grandmother is 97 years old and just this last year, she moved into a nursing home. Yes, she lived on her own that long. She only has one child that still lives near her and he doesn't visit her because she's become very mean to him and as she's been developing dementia, she's been making bizarre threats. Her kids had a guardian appointed to her by the court and that has worked out really well. I can't help but wonder if this isn't something a person could set up for themselves before they reach that point.

My mother has been saying for years that she doesn't count on any of her children to take care of her in old age. She's not being mean about it...it's just true. Her belief is that you have children to prepare them for their own lives, not because you get to dictate that they'll be future servants to you. Would I take care of my mom? I might, depending on the circumstances but it would be difficult being a military wife. However, that is not what my mother wants for herself or for me and frankly, I don't want that intrusion on my life either.

I have to say this is one of the reasons for having children that bothers me the most. How dare parents get pregnant and bring someone in the world with the intention of dictating what that person will do as an adult? It reminds me too much of slavery.

[preraph]

I agree with everything you said, Danisty. And I have already had to deal with it. My parents are both gone now for some years. We lived in bordering states. I work all the time and was rarely able to help much, though I did take over the finances so I could pay my dad's bills before he went into a home. He, too, had severe dementia, and didn't even know me and didn't trust the right people. He thought mom (divorced) was his mother, which didn't set well with her, I can tell you! His mind was gone for many years before he died, and after he threw the walker at the home care nurse, we had to put him in a facility better able to contain him. He thought he was at work and that the admin lady was the loan officer at the bank and that the parking lot was a car lot, so he was always applying for a loan to buy cars with her. There is no way one grown child could have cared for him.

My mom was able to stay in her home with home health care until near the end, and she had some siblings in the vicinity who were able to give her a ride sometimes when it became dangerous to drive or she didn't feel well. My mother and I loved each other, but we butted heads constantly and to live with each other would have driven both of us to an early grave, I assure you, and I think she realized it as well as I did. Anyway, I would have been working all the time and not there to keep her from falling or whatever, which is what puts most old folks down in the end.

I think sometimes young people envision that in their old age, when their parents need them, that they will somehow magically become submissive and compliant, but they're still the same parents you've always had and you can't reverse roles on them, and that's why unless you have a really close familial relationship where you wanted to be with each other all the time anyway, chances are nothing much is going to change in old age.

Many of those of us who opted out of kids did so because we didn't want to give up any part of our life for any length of time to have and care for them. We're extra independent and probably wouldn't be able to suffer living with the kids in our old age anyway. People become even more rigid as they age. This is why so many old folks seem cranky. The way they have done things and continue to wish to do things is no longer possible, and that is sad. To me, the best solution is for the government to allocate more money towards in-home care for the elderly and put a hiatus on them having to pay their mortgages at a certain point so they can stay in their homes, but that is expensive and young people never want to spend money on old people, sadly.

[cnu5000]

I find it sort of ironic but the children that some to be the most involved with their agent parents are the ones without children.

Sometimes those people with neices and nephews will help them out in their old agethey won't live with them but they will do some things in a crisis.

I had a childfree great Uncle(he was someone who did want not have children) to have children. He lived on his own in the city until he was 90 when he died-this was in 1981 so he would be considered older than he is now. He had no relatives nearby though when he got sicker some offered to come to help.

I know one man who is a 101 and still lives in his apartment with help. However, to be honest it does worry me a little bit what will happen as I get older. However, old people without children who still are able to live independently seem quite happy without children.

[preraph]

Yes, getting old is scary for everyone, though. Most people who have lived on their own do not want to move but just want to remain in their homes, and that so often doesn't work out because even if a child has the room, resources, and time to take them in, they have to move there, and that isn't pleasant for them. We do need better elderly solutions.

[happy2bchildfree]

I do worry about what will happen to me when I'm old, but I'd still be worrying about it even if I did have kids.

Anyone who thinks that having children is a guarantee of care in their later years is living in a dream world. There may be no relationship between the parent and the adult child/ren. The adult children may be unable or unwilling to provide care due to geographical reasons or work/family obligations. The adult child/ren may predecease the parent. I know of IRL examples of all of these scenarios.

My own mother told me that she didn't have any expectations of her children taking care of her in her old age, and that if I had the thought of having children to take care of me in my old age, then I would be having them for the wrong reasons and shouldn't have them at all.

There really does need to be more options for the care of the elderly. The majority of the baby boom generation are now in their 50s and 60s so it will only be a matter of a few years that there will be huge numbers of elderly. There does seem to be more options now than a generation ago but things haven't changed nearly enough and the changes aren't happening fast enough.

[cnu5000]

I think most elderly don't want to move in with their children. I have seen people with neices and nephews get involved in the care arrrangements.

[kiddinla]

On the flip side, one of my customers told me that i pay more attention to her than any of her children. I'm not sure why she isn't fond of them. It could many reasons, and i don't ask. I've always felt that having a child is not the only option for someone to care for you. The modern family is changing. I've talked to many people who choose friends over family.

[cnu5000]

Isn't there the joke you can pick your friends but you can't your family? I know someone, who unlike me, comes from a large extended family her ethnic group is very tightknit but I don't think it means something to her beause I think she sees the favors she gets as being obligatory on the part of these people.