Childfree & Churchgoing

[2cool2BMOO]

Why I do have the feeling that this thread may "open up the floodgates?"

Well, I am a churchgoer and I'm also childfree. I just have no desire at all to put up with the inconvenience, frustration and especially the expense of having a child. Just. don't. want. it.

Most people in church know how I feel about kids-- That while I wish them no harm, I don't want any.

Question: Has anyone here gotten "breeder bingo" type comments-- in "Christianese"-- from other members of your church. Has anyone been rude enough to come right out and say to your face that God isn't blessing you/is withholding something from you/you're not natural, etc. because you don't have children?

I haven't had anyone be that rude to me, but I have had a couple of incidents involving my childfree lifestyle.

Lastly, has anyone in your church tried to "encourage" (aka push) you into working in Sunday school or in the nursery in the hopes that it would change your mind about children?

Whoa, okay, that was a lot to say...

[preraph]

I tell you, none of that surprises me, but sorry it's affecting your churchgoing experience. I've always found it ironic that a certain contingent of Christians seem to be the most judgmental and rigid members of society when the teachings are just the opposite. I grew up in a very fundamentalist area, so I know exactly how bad it can be and how quickly people will "cast you out" for being different. Just remember it's the squeaky wheels you hear. There are many more people in your church, I'm sure, who either support you or simply don't consider it enough of an issue to speak out about.

I have a very religious aunt who has made some chastising comments not to me but to other members of her large family in the name of religion. She went so far as to push a preacher onto her brother while he was on her death bed against the wishes of the immediate family, convinced he'd go to hell otherwise. But she has been so judgemental with her own children that she completely alienated one of them to the point where last I heard they hadn't been in contact for years. The sad thing is she was such a warm charming person when she was younger and has always been kind to me, but it's a case of not getting too close, I guess.

Anyway, you can't start thinking the rigid contingent of a church represents the whole, just because they are the most vocal. I always dealt with any type of bullying by reminding myself that this was a flaw of theirs, not mine, and therefore I had no reason to let it bother me much. It says more about them than you.

[lulu]

My husband and I are Christian and decided not to have children. People who know us in the church understand that it isn't something that we want, that God is blessing us in other ways. We have the time and resources to do other things for the church and in the community that others do not. We are both involved with the youth in our church. I pray that I am a positive example to our young people that the go-to-college-get-married-have-children ideal that so many carry around doesn't work for everyone and they can make their own decisions when it comes time. There actually have been a couple of folks who have surprised me. One is an older lady who told us that she was happy that we didn't have children as we were free to do what we wanted if this was our choice. She comes across as pretty conservative so I was a bit surprised to hear her say that. The other person was the "family man" of the church who told us one day that having the second child, although he doesn't regret it. To answer your other question, no, no one has pushed me into doing anything with kids for any reason (I said no for many years until recently). The only other thing I think I can say right now is that you have to remember that no one is perfect, that is why we go to church, and we are always going to come across someone that rubs us the wrong way. I have a few folks in my church like that and I know I can't change them so I pray for them, pray for myself and steer clear whenever possible.

[danisty]

I'm not Christian so I don't have any experiences within a church, but growing up in the Bible Belt, I've certainly heard my fair share of religious bingos. I even have an online friend who is a Christian and very much wants children and hasn't been able to conceive. She has actually been told by members of her church that she obviously doesn't love God enough because if she was trying hard enough, God would bless her. I can't imagine what hearing that must be like, especially if you actually WANT kids. If they aren't afraid to tell her she's such an awful person God doesn't want her to have a baby, I can only imagine what they would say to people who choose not to have kids.

[preraph]

That is the danger of churches teaching that God is all knowing and all powerful. I've always thought it was just ridiculous that they teach "all knowing" and "all-powerful" and then also "benevolent." Obviously, God cannot be all those things and there be suffering in the world. I think we have brains for a reason, and if God is who gave them to us, he intended us to use them and not rely solely on him to direct our lives.

[Nyx]

I'm not xtian, but my DHs side of the family is mormon so at the first and last family gathering we went to I was really converged on by all his relatives asking when I was going to come to temple and convert ::shutters at the very idea:: and right on the heals of that question was when am I going to start producing the next generation ::double shutter and gags at the very idea or notion of it:: the way it was phrased though was how it got me ticked off to no end "the two of you where meant for each other, god guided you to each other" "god will bless you with a large family" and so on and so forth. Needless to say keeping my lip shut and not yelling at the whole lot of them was no easy matter. The politest thing I was able to get out was "thanks but we already have our family of two" unfortunately that also got me a lecture by nun other then their preacher over how i will see gods light and that I will follow his plan for me ... DH actually had to save me from tearing a strip of the preacher for his "lecture" cause I was ready to go to town on him.

[mar]

nyx.... If that crap had been shoved down my throat as it was yours, I think I would have been violently ill (projectile emises all over said ppl). I am athiest and have only in the past few yrs. let that be known to others (although, I'm sure a lot of ppl knew).

I don't care what other folks' beliefs are ... BUT DON"T TRY TO CONVERT ME... 'cause it ain't gonna happen.

[happy2bchildfree]

In a situation like that I would have to immediately remove myself from the presence of those people or I would totally lose it and it wouldn't be pleasant... After an experience like that, it would have been the absolute last time I ever associated with those people.

Like mar said, I don't care what anyone believes but when they try to force it down my throat I have a huge problem with it.

[preraph]

That does sound extreme - cult-y. I wouldn't spend any more time around them than absolutely necessary, and I believe I'd go ahead if they keep it up and say "I respect people's spiritual paths as long as they respect mine as well."

[preraph]

P.S. If your husband doesn't want you to react to the situation in your way, then he needs to be the one to step up and "have a word" with his relatives and the family preacher, and if he doesn't volunteer to do so should this ever happen again, you need to explain to him that the family will never turn against him for speaking out and setting boundaries on your behalf but they will quickly turn against you if you have to do it yourself and he stands by complacent, because they will interpret that as passive acceptance of their behavior to you.

[lulu]

Jun 10, 2010 0:41:54 GMT -5 danisty said:

I even have an online friend who is a Christian and very much wants children and hasn't been able to conceive. She has actually been told by members of her church that she obviously doesn't love God enough because if she was trying hard enough, God would bless her.

This makes me so sad to read. I'm not going to get into my own beliefs and turn this into a theological discussion, but I just want to say that there are many reasons that she doesn't have a child yet, this world is full of sin and it may not be anything she has done. I hope that she realizes that what these people are telling her is totally false. Who are they to judge her? Only God is the one to judge. I hope that if children are part of her future it happens in the most joyous and loving manner.