Ran into a snag with the vasectomy...

[Erin]

Well, we made the decision to have my husband go to the meeting for people considering a vasectomy. He went down to the Naval Air Station hospital in Jacksonville, Fl today. It didn't go very well. I guess they showed everyone a power-point on what the procedure is, etc. and that was fine. But then he met one-on-one with a commander about why he wanted a vasectomy if we didn't have any children. So he explained why (my medical reasons, that kids don't fit into our lifestyle, etc.) He said he could tell we've given it a lot of thought, but that he would be doing a disservice to us by doing the procedure, especially since we don't have kids. My husband told me he couldn't believe how many times this dr used the phrase "he would be doing us a disservice" during their discussion. My husband tried everything and told him everything we've talked about and all our reasons why, but he just wouldn't agree to it. He said I can be on a different kind of b.c. if I want, and we have to wait until we're at least 35 until a doc would do it! The dr also said if we would have had at least 2 kids by now or I was at high risk medically in regards to my reproductive health he would have agreed to it. He kept telling my husband he was one of the more liberal docs at the hospital too, which I don't know why he would tell him that. This really made us angry. I feel so discriminated against just because we don't have kids. The dr did the whole, "well you may change your mind some day" thing too. And asked my husband, "well what if your relationship doesn't work out, then you may want kids with a new partner.." my husband was wanting to roll his eyes and talk back/get angry so bad, but he was in uniform and that would not be good- doing that to the commander (which could be written in his eval.) It seemed like everything my husband was telling the dr, the dr kept saying "he understands, but..."

So, here we are- finally wanting to have something done and now we have to wait! And I don't want to have a tubal done-we always said he would have a vasectomy. This stinks because he can't go to a civilian provider to have it done either- he has to do it at a military (Naval) hospital by a Navy dr since he's active duty. So, for now I guess I'll keep on taking the pill every day like I have been for the last 10, almost 11 years. I'm fine on the pill- we were just wanting a more permanant solution since we don't want kids. I just had to vent about this since it really, really made me angry and also made me cry earlier too. The dr also told my husband if he had it done (which is covered) and then wanted it reversed b.c. we changed our minds that would cost us $5,000.00. I don't know what to think. I got my hopes up so very much because I thought this process was going to be easy. Even in the military I guess we're faced with these stupid bingos (I guess you could call them that.) It's just not fair!! My husband was so angry and upset when he came home this morning. I just never thought this would happen to us- I've always heard about things like this happening to other people, I just never thought it would happen to us. Maybe that's just me being naive.

[happy2bchildfree]

I have no suggestions or advice, just so sorry that you have run into these roadblocks. I thought surely things had changed in that area but apparently they haven't...

No one ever tells someone who wants a kid that they will change their mind. I can't understand why those who don't want kids can't get the same respect.

[preraph]

I tell you, there ought to be a way to sue for that. What Big Brother crap! I don't see why you couldn't go elsewhere though. How would they even know he's in the service? I am so sorry. It makes me feel raped just hearing someone tell you what your reproductive rights are. Tell your husband we are so sorry he went through that. Although, maybe he should try a different doctor at a different hospital or at least write some letters, make some phone calls, and talk to an attorney.

[Erin]

Thanks happy2bchildfree and preraph. I still woke up shocked this morning. Yesterday was such a weird day. When my husband went back to work after being at the hospital yesterday he told a few of the higher-ups he works with about what happened and they were shocked too. Of course there were a few guys who didn't say anything too. But his divisional engineer told him he should try another military hospital or maybe he could pay out of pocket for it. My husband was shocked about that (because people who are in the military are supposed to be seen by military drs unless they have a referral or are in a remote area and don't have access to a military hospital.) He also suggested I try an IUD or maybe I get a tubal. He just told him not to give up just because one jack*** told him no. Right now he's going to be getting busy at work since he's leaving for sea in the fall so all this might have to wait until Jan or Feb. I really don't want to get a tubal, just for my own reasons and also because I don't do well with pain. What kills my husband is that all the other guys who went to the class yesterday with him only had like a 3 day wait until their procedure would be done- he could have had it done on Friday but because the guy said no, it's not happening. I asked him what the dr meant by he's one of the more liberal docs there and he said that basically the dr he talked with at least wanted to hear his story, and that many of the other drs there would have said no from the get go just because we don't have kids and wouldn't have even bothered to hear why he wants a vasectomy in the first place. I was just so angry yesterday and frustrated. I'm trying not to let it get to me but it's hard. All we can do is keep trying though. I'm hoping we don't have to wait until we're 35!

Preraph- about why it's not a good idea to go somewhere else- it's basically because if someone were to screw up and injure him or there would be bad complications during the procedure (really any medical procedure) he's pretty much government property and there are liability issues and other major things that could happen- not to mention my husband would get in serious trouble for just going anywhere to have something done. It's hard to explain. We're going to look into it though- having a civilian doc do it. One of the guys he works with suggested it but my husband wants to make sure it definitely would be ok to persue that route. How are civilian docs who do vasectomies? Are they pretty much open to doing them even if someone doesn't have kids? I was under the impression that they will pretty much do anyone now, especially with the economy the way it is and all and people not wanting kids or more kids. This is our first time persuing this so I'm not sure how other urologists are. Thanks for all your support- I appreciate it!

[happy2bchildfree]

Aug 25, 2010 10:44:53 GMT -5 Erin said:

How are civilian docs who do vasectomies? Are they pretty much open to doing them even if someone doesn't have kids?

From what I've heard, it seems to be much easier for a young guy without kids to get a vasectomy than it is for a young woman without kids to get a tubal.

[preraph]

Well, I see what you mean. I do think he should try other hospitals and inquire about paying for it, though that may well be beyond your means. The only reason I say that is the gov't is very odd about paying for anything birth control related, as you know, it being a hot topic.

[cbushin]

It was easy to get the vasectomy. Th doc knew I did not have any kids, but he did the procedure anyway. Military doctors must be weird. By the time I found a doctor who disapproved of it (the Kaiser doctor who I asked to allow a sperm count later to confirm I was sterile), it was to late. It must be harder for a woman getting her tubal. The Kaser doctor asked me if I told my family (no) and asked "What if you meet a girl who wants children?" Those reasons are stupid. The military doctors seem like assholes.

[mar]

"What if you meet a girl who wants children ?" DUH!!!!
Stupid thing to say...
You should have said "HUH ?, and....." then wait to see what other stupid thing he would say.

Who knows..you might meet a lot of girls who don't want 'children'

[happy2bchildfree]

Sept 2, 2010 22:00:50 GMT -5 mar said:

"What if you meet a girl who wants children ?" DUH!!!!
Stupid thing to say...
You should have said "HUH ?, and....." then wait to see what other stupid thing he would say.

Who knows..you might meet a lot of girls who don't want 'children'

I had a Dr. say the same thing to me when I inquired about a tubal. My answer: "If I meet a guy who wants children, I'm going to know he's not the right person for me." The Dr. didn't have a comeback to that.

[Erin]

Right now my husband's doc on the boat (who is on our side as far as him getting a vasectomy goes) is in the process of seeing if he can get a referral for him. I guess he's talking to the health benefits coordinator on base, so I'll keep you posted on what we find out. My husband is going to be getting busy with the sub soon, so all of this may have to be put off until he gets back from sea in January.

[preraph]

Not much chance of him getting you pregnant while at sea, that's for sure! Glad someone is helping him out.

Happy, that's the perfect answer. I can well imagine some people think you should bow to another person's desires and acquiesce, but to me, that's a lot to ask of someone. It is true that not everyone has the sense not to get involved with only people who don't want kids though. Many people don't have the resolve to make those choices when they get carried away with emotion. And as we've seen on this board, people assume you'll change your mind. Nothing like a tubal or vasectomy to burst that bubble.

[sage]

It's tons easier for a guy to get a vasectomy - generally - than it is for a women to get her tubes tied. I think it's tied to the beliefs of many people that a woman isn't really a woman unless she's had kids, or that a woman is cruel and heartless if she doesn't want children. It's sexism, plain and simple.

[preraph]

Yes, it is. It's ridiculous that anyone can stop a person over 21 from getting sterlized.

[Erin]

Sorry- haven't been on here in a while due to being busy. But wanted to update everyone on things. My husband's dr on the boat got back to him about seeing if he can get a referral to another dr or hospital to have it done, and he said because the military offers the service (vas) at the Naval hospital in Jacksonville, that's where he has to go. So he won't be able to get a referral. We were both very disappointed.

He's leaving for sea in a week or so, so he can't do anything about it until Jan. or Feb. But we're thinking about me getting letters from my psychiatrist, gynecologist, and dr about why getting a vas would benefit me especially with all my mental health issues (depression, anxiety, etc) and have him go back to the hospital and talk with the dr again and see if that will help. If not, I guess I'll just stay on the pill for another 3 years or so and then have him go back. Joshua doesn't want to wait that long (neither do I, but I'm prepared for it) said he's willing to keep going back to the hospital as many times as it takes before they finally say ok to him to have it done. So, I'll continue to keep you all posted! So frustrating.

[preraph]

I would certainly hope that the military would consider repeated visits proof that he's serious. Honestly, I would hope that the military would consider that if a man is mature enough to fight for his country, he surely was mature enough to decide about birth control. It's so hypocritical.