In need of peace with my choice

[PuppyMommy]

I'm struggling. There is no other way to describe it. I've always been an incredibly decisive person. I've always known what I wanted and how I intend to get it. But the decision about having children is breaking my heart.

The truth is that I don't want kids. I love my life as it is. I have the most amazing marriage that is damn near perfect when my 15 year old stepdaughter isn't around (she hates me and admits to actively working to break up her father and I). Ironically, my step daughter isn't the reason that I don't want kids.

I just don't want my life to change. I don't want to give up any of my freedoms - financial, time, career or otherwise. I love kids and to be honest - I'm really good with them. I love to be around them but I love to return them even more. I know that I would be a great mom. I just don't want to be one. I feel clear and decided.

So what's the problem?

When I talk to myself about my decision. When I affirm with myself that my decision is the right one for me - I'm ok with it. But I also feel a profound sadness that doesn't make any sense. I feel tremendous loss - not enough to make me change my mind. But it's a feeling that I can't explain or understand. What I want to feel is peace with my decision. So why can't I?

I sound nuts - don't I?

Can anyone else relate? Will the feelings sort themselves out?

[happy2bchildfree]

I never had any feelings like that so I can't relate, and can't offer you any insight based on personal experience, but I am getting the feeling that you really are not completely comfortable and at peace with your decision. No advice to offer, but hope you will be able to resolve your feelings.

[cnu5000]

After 40 I did have some mixed feelings about being CF especially as a lot of people in my social circle had children after 40. At 51 these feelings to some extent have resolved.

However, I do know many people CF no regrets. However, I think for some people there is no major life decision that is made with no mixed feelings.

I think for many CF people what they do is decide it is better from time to time feel sad about NOT having children rather than have children and feel sad about having them.

[happy2bchildfree]

Jan 4, 2011 8:23:53 GMT -5 cnu5000 said:

I think for many CF people what they do is decide it is better from time to time feel sad about NOT having children rather than have children and feel sad about having them.

This is what I would tell the people who insisted that I would end up regretting my choice. I'd much rather end up regretting not having a child than to have had a child and end up regretting that I ever had it.

I think most people do wonder about "the road not taken", but I can't understand feeling a sense of loss over not having something that was never wanted in the first place. It just doesn't make sense to me.

[cnu5000]

Actually, most of my feeling is wondering about the road not taken and maybe the loss of a once theoritical option.

Also CF people are free from the guilt that they mishandled their childrens problems.

[sweetnsour]

PM, you don't sound nuts. It wasn't too long ago when I had similar feelings. However, the feelings would come and go. I think that it is somewhat natural sometimes to feel regret about the roads that we didn't take, even if we're happy with the ones that we did take. It is only natural to ask oneself why am I not getting with the program when so many others are. However, keep in mind that some people who are not CF will also wonder if having children was the correct choice for them. The bottom line is that no matter who we are or what we do, we will wonder if we missed the greener pasteurs. I think that this phenomenon is what causes the profound sadness that you are describing. Another component to this sadness is that as we get older, our pool of CF friends starts to dry up. This just exacerbates those feelings.

At one time this sadness would come and go for me. However, even though I had my moments, I knew that all along I was firm in my decision to be CF. The good news is that the sad feelings will eventually go away if you know that being CF is really what you want. Now that I'm going through the change of life it has become much easier. So yes, the feelings will eventually sort themselves out. The important thing to remember is that it is only natural to have these feelings and that if you know what you really want the feelings lessen with time.

[fencesitter]

PuppyMommy, I completely relate to what you are experiencing. And the comment posted just prior to this sums it up well. Another issue is probably considered narcissistic, and that is an increasing sense of loss with the ageing of my parents. I imagine that if in looking in my (nonexistent) kids' eyes I saw traits of my parents, physical and personality-wise, that would be a comfort when the inevitable happens.

When I finally started to ask my parents more specifics about how they felt about me never having had children (when I was over 40), my mom almost indignantly--in my defense--retorted that "just because you were born with a womb, doesn't mean you have to have a child." She genuinely felt defensive for me about my misgivings. By the way, she had five children in the space of under seven years, and never complained about what a pain in the a$$ it had to have been.

My belief is that it's okay to look at the road not taken, provided it doesn't diminish your overall peace of mind about the one taken. In the latter instance, you would be wise to keep an open mind about your options. Never forget, however that 1) biology drives much of this at a certain age, and 2) those adorable babies and toddlers ultimately become, and deserve to become, their own independent selves...their existence/purpose should never be to fulfill ours.

[cnu5000]

Children are a lot of work. I think for women their mid-life transition will be more centered on personal/family issues than men and the biology pushes it.

I think people often forget of they had children, they could be sick disabled, have problems that need special attention etc.

[happy2bchildfree]

Feb 14, 2011 8:05:34 GMT -5 cnu5000 said:

I think people often forget of they had children, they could be sick disabled, have problems that need special attention etc.

I agree that a lot of people of all ages don't take into consideration that a child they have might be "special needs", which would up the workload and strain the finances considerably more than a child without special needs. I don't know why people don't consider that possibility when they consider having a child, but a lot of them just don't.

[cnu5000]

I have heard from many people with special needs children say it is very hard and you end up caring for them for life.

There is another category of children which I might fall into is that they have problems that need attention-I think at least half of all children fall into this category.

I was hearing some work parents talk and it seems like their children are sick alot and much of the time it seems like it is more complicated than just a cold.

[preraph]

I tell you, kids seem to get sick constantly, and it seems worse now and probably is due to all the nonstop social activities. My friends kids are always sick and then she gets sick -- and when they're sick, daycare or school won't take them, so this is why it's very hard for women to work. I mean, who wants to babysit a sick child, not even grandma.

[cnu5000]

I have heard that children do get sicker in day care but supposedly they develope more immunity than non-day care children later.

It did not play a role in my decision to be CF but I think it is something to be considered. Children get sick a lot and have health conditions that require some worry and attention.

In the good old days and in some third world countries one was lucky if half one's children made it to adulthood.

[sage]

I tell you what, my mom knew she had depression before she had me, yet she had me anyway. A lot of times I feel like one of those kids born addicted to crack - not that I want pity, but just that I'm going to need medication for the rest of my life just to be normal, and even then it's not always going to be easy. This condition is in my very blood. It was passed on to me in my DNA, so there's no making it go away like magic. If your kid is born with a third arm, you can have that removed, but you can't cut out a person's genes.

Obviously my mom didn't think about passing her depression on, or at least wanted a child of her own more than she thought about the risk. Still, what your child is born with is more than just a case of heart disease or cancer. Just about anything can go wrong.

[preraph]

Yes, inheriting a mental issue can be very hard to cope with. I have never understood why people would procreate if they had a serious hereditary issue of any kind, but I think it comes from both good and bad places. One, I think most people with any disability still love themselves and, hopefully, found love, and so they believe their life was worth it and so will their child' plus there's a chance they will not get that gene. I do wonder about the sanity of having children with a possibility of a really serious physical problem into the world especially, though, because if the parent is somehow disabled, then how can they hope to have the energy to struggle with any child, much less a disabled one.

With mental issues, of course, perhaps the person isn't thinking straight enough to either control their impulse or even to self-administer birth control. Perhaps if they're depressed or having marital problems, they think a child will fix everything.

I think all people born with an extra challenge are people we can learn from and who can inspire us. But I do wonder why people sometimes simply add to their already considerable burden.

[cnu5000]

I think probaby with mental health problems often feel a child will make them happy. Probably many years ago people were not as aware of the genetic nature of some diseases.

Certainally, in having a handicapped or "challanged" child can have its rewards but people who have them will be worrying about their care for the rest of their lives(so there goes the arguement that one should have children to take care of your in your old age).

I am 51. Both my parents have suffered from chronic depression and anxiety. I think when they had me it was the baby boom and probably people weren't as aware of these issues then. My mother seems to have had an extensive post-depression and made a sucide attempt when I was five. I have been told in therapy and recently have heard on the radio that parent's depressive episodes can leave life long scars on children.

I think twenty-percent of women go through a clinical post-partum depression and I suspect more women experience sadness that is not considered not full clinical post-partum depression. I have heard that it is still not talked too much about post-partum depression because motherhood is supposed to be a "happy" event.

Sometimes, I struggle with the idea-less so now-that if I were "normal" I would want children. Actually, probably at 51 I would be given the MH "clearance" to have children but I feel I am way to old and my husband is solidly CF. (see posts on many older parents). I also know I would not be happy as a stay at home mother-even my most mentally balanced self.

When I read about post-partum depression, I am very happy I am CF. I don't think it is good for either the mother or child.

However, there are many people with more serious MH issues than me or my parents who do want children and have them in spite of these issues.

[sage]

Certainally, in having a handicapped or "challanged" child can have its rewards but people who have them will be worrying about their care for the rest of their lives(so there goes the arguement that one should have children to take care of your in your old age).

Once I was at a restaurant with my mother, and I saw an obviously mentally handicapped man in about his forties or fifties, and his parents in their sixties or seventies. Apparently they were still taking care of him. I asked my mom what's going to happen when those parents pass away?
She works at a nursing home, and she gets some cases like this, although usually those people are shipped off to a higher-care facility to wait out their days, and they die a few years or even months later, alone.

[preraph]

First of all, CNU, I apologize for not apparently seeing your reply above sooner. Thanks for all the interesting points and history. I have a good understanding about many psychological things, but so far I am not certain about post-partum depression, how much is hormonal and how much isn't. Certainly a depressed parent is very hard on a child or a spouse or anyone.

Sage, I have an online friend who has a mentally challenged grown son. She certainly makes the best of it, and I guess he's not totally out of control and is pliant and cooperative, which makes all the difference. She takes him to concerts and they give him special positioning, in a wheelchair, I assume but don't know for sure. Certainly the biggest angst is what happens once the parents are gone that are the only caretakers for this adult special needs "child." It's a tragic situation. In my friend's case, it's likely a sibling will take him in, but who really knows how long their spouse may want to deal with it. It can be very difficult, that's for sure.