Being on the fence + society pressure = :(

[eraymond2011]

Well here it goes:

I'm 21 and have been with my partner for four years. He would like a child, I would rather not have children. I have realized that I would prefer to be child free since I was little. My partner has been wonderful and this is the one major life style choice we disagree on. It hurts me to see him so sad that I don't want kids but I was honest with him from when we first started dated. He keeps trying to get me to compromise with *just* one child. I don't think he's accepted it yet. He promises to do a bunch of housework and help with raising the child. I'm just not so sure.

Not to mention my parents and his parents. For example, when we first started dating we donated blood together. I told my mom what our blood types were, we were both positive blood type and of course she the first thing she says "oh that's good you won't have to worry about preeclampsia for the baby." I was so pissed... Then my parents talk to me about keeping stuff for the grandkids. I'm really worried about what my parents will think if I tell them I don't want to have kids. But I'm not as worried because I have four other siblings that will probably give them plenty of grandkids. His family on the other hand- he's an only child, and I think coming out to them would devastate them. They always talk about 'future' grandkids like they are already here.

I know it's not right for me but I'm feeling the pressure from all sides to have a child. I'll be getting my Bachelor's soon and really want to pursue my PhD in my field. That's what I really do want with my life right now. But will I regret going to grad school- that could be up to 6+ years? That's what I'm wrestling with. I do love my field and find it very rewarding. If I had to put a number on my confidence that I want to be CF for the rest of my life, I would say I'm about 95% sure. I guess it's the pressure from society, my family, and how young I am that make up the 5% uncertainity for me.

I'm in a rough spot because of all this has really been stressing me out. Any advice for 'coming out' to parents and trying to resolve relationship issues would be greatly appreciated. I need to stand up for myself. It's tough to see the one's I love be hurt becuase of my decision, but I need to do what's best for myself.

[eraymond2011]

Sorry to post again... But another major reason for me to be CF that I left out. I have a form of Muscular Dystrophy (non- lifethreatening), and I don't want to pass my disease on... It frustrating everyday for me and if I *wanted* to have kids this would be a dealbreaker for me. Any support is appreciated.

[happy2bchildfree]

My only advice is to absolutely, positively NOT allow anyone or anything to pressure you into having a child you don't want or aren't ready for. It's YOUR life and your choice and YOU will be the one living with whatever choice you make. It's possible that this could end up being a dealbreaker in your relationship, but if that does happen, better to break up than to end up having your SO resent you for not having the child(ren) he wanted or you resenting both him and the child because you caved and had a child you didn't want.

As for "coming out" to your family, just do it. I don't think anyone's parents ever approve of or agree with every choice their child makes, but unless it is a really "bad" choice that could have serious and negative repercussions in your life, most will learn to accept it. Again, it is YOUR life, and for your own well-being it is important that you do what is right for YOU rather than doing what someone else wants you to do or thinks you should do. You might be very surprised and find that your family supports your choice.

Finally, you are still very young and don't have to make a final choice right now unless you feel ready to do so. You still have years to make that decision.

FWIW, opting not to have children because of an illness that could be inherited is both responsible and unselfish. Health issues were one of my many reasons for choosing to be childfree.

[preraph]

I agree totally with Happy. You know you may only have this one life, and it is yours to live as you choose. Your parents and anyone else have their OWN life to do with as they wish and expecting someone to take on a child just for their benefit is very selfish and reeks of entitlement. It was just me and my sister and neither of us had kids. I had a physical excuse but my sister didn't, and our parents just sucked it up in the end.

Having a child when you WANT one is the most nerve-racking unexpected load of toil to take on such that you could never anticipate. Having one when you don't want to is just crazy. It's sad that it can break up relationships, but it can and should if you're that far apart on the issue. You know, besides disagreement on having children, there are any number of other reasons why we can't all live with the ones we love -- and most of those you find out AFTER your married and stuck with kids. So don't think of it as THE ONLY THING making your relationship imperfect, because believe me, it isn't. Many women believe having a baby will fix the relationship, but statistics show it usually places a huge strain on it and increases the chance for divorce. If it's that important to him, he needs to move on and you need to let him.

It is true that choosing not to have kids is a deal breaker for many people, but every year the percentage of people choosing to be childfree grows, and recent studies have shown childfree people (by choice) are happier.

[happy2bchildfree]

Jan 19, 2011 18:13:21 GMT -5 preraph said:

Having a child when you WANT one is the most nerve-racking unexpected load of toil to take on such that you could never anticipate. Having one when you don't want to is just crazy. It's sad that it can break up relationships, but it can and should if you're that far apart on the issue. You know, besides disagreement on having children, there are any number of other reasons why we can't all live with the ones we love -- and most of those you find out AFTER your married and stuck with kids. So don't think of it as THE ONLY THING making your relationship imperfect, because believe me, it isn't. Many women believe having a baby will fix the relationship, but statistics show it usually places a huge strain on it and increases the chance for divorce. If it's that important to him, he needs to move on and you need to let him.

The only thing I will add to this is that it is very unwise to even think about getting/staying involved with someone when you don't agree on the kids or no kids issue. Don't make the mistake of thinking that in time the other person will "come around" to your point of view. It's unlikely that it will happen, and the longer you have been involved with someone, the more difficult and painful the breakup is going to be.

Also, it's very important to be honest about your feelings as soon as possible when getting involved with someone new. I think back to my first marriage--if my ex had only been honest with me from the beginning, I wouldn't have gotten involved with him, the marriage would have never happened, and we could have saved ourselves the trouble of a divorce.

[eraymond2011]

Thanks for your responses. I've had a serious talk with my partner, and I 've made it clear that if he wants to be with me, he needs to be okay with being CF and if not I wish him the best in life and understand if wants to leave. He realizes that he wants a child for the kodak moments, specifically playing sports with a son. He's considering becoming a little league coach and trying to be more involved with the community. I'm keeping a close eye on him though, and if sense resentment for my decision, I'm going to leave difficult as it may be.

I've told my parents that I am considering not having children, because I want to be 100% sure when I do tell them that I flat won't have kids. I don't want to be someone that tells my family that I won't have kids ever and then go back on it; at least they know that it is a possibility. They have been not so happy about it, but I think that they will understand someday. I'm trying to let go of living to please my parents in other areas as well because it's just not healthy. I'm so glad that I came across a blog about moms that caved in, had a child, and regretted it and I know that's not going to be me. If I ever did go on the other side of the fence, I would only be because I WANT to have a child, not anyone else wanting me to have a child. The best thing I can think of to say to other people that keep nagging me about having kids is -"Would you take care of my child on the bad days for me? No? Then quit bugging me about it.... "

On a side note, my dental hygenist was asking me about when I will have kids (which I find nosey + rude) today. The look on her face was priceless when I said "When minivans are sexy, childcare is free and they come potty trained." I am disgusted that so many people that have no buisness inserting themselves into other peoples life choices feel the need to do so.

It feels pretty good to stand up for myself. I'm really getting excited about grad school.

[preraph]

I'm glad you have faced the people in your life head-on. It is very freeing, isn't it? You know, men often come from a very different place on having kids than women do. Many of them mainly want to have them because it's considered a milestone for them on their journey to be "a complete man" and feel they have bragging rights once they hit all the milestones of being able to provide for a family. Seriously, it's trappings for many of them, the trophy family. There aren't that many who really want to do much childcare, but they ALL want to throw the ball, which is just not enough, in my opinion. The up side of that is maybe he really would accept not having them if that's as deep as his paternal instinct runs, but who is to say.

If you think you could stand what little disruption it would be, you might encourage your mate to become a Big Brother, but of course there's possible pitfalls in that. It could put him over the edge wanting to be a dad (or possibly the opposite, you never know, especially if you refuse to let him dump the boy on your on his day with him and he has to be immersed totally for all his needs for the duration). The other pitfall is that you being nice to the kid, which of course you would be, might give him false hope you'll change your mind. Still, the sooner you find out whether his drive is that strong, the better, so no point in avoiding those situations. Now that you've had the talk, he'll stew about it awhile and may react to some feedback he gets now from parents (if he tells them) and peers, who he surely will mention it to, and that may affect how he reacts in the near future. Just remember, if he has a big reaction after talking to peers, that is a pretty good indication he's more worried about appearance and milestones than about actually providing childcare and parenting for a son or daughter.

Men also get pressure at work to have families in some instances. It's not considered a negative like it sometimes is for women, because the employers know it's not usually going to be the men who will take off work all the time to pick up Junior from the nurse's station at school, confer with the teacher, attend the bake sale, or leave early every day to pick him up from school -- and again, if the man is in a public position, they like "family men."

And one other thing that should allay any fears you have: Most of the people we've polled here on the site (see the polls) knew at some point in their childhood/teens that they didn't want children, and only a very small percentage had any biological clock anxiety later. A lot of people with or who want kids cannot fathom that many of us really know without a doubt that we don't want to spend our lives parenting. It's great that we live in an age when we don't have to, isn't it? Good luck and keep us posted.

[eraymond2011]

Thanks for the insight with men's reasons for wanting kids preraph.

Its been an interesting few days. My parents are showing a lot of resentment towards my decision. They keep throwing questions at me (I believe they are referred to as bingos) like "Won't you regret it? You don't think having kids can be more rewarding? What will we do with all of this stuff we've saved for your grandkids?" They are also treating me like I'm invisible... like when I visit they talk to my other siblings nonstop and act like I'm not there. Additionally they keep giving me a hard time about small things that were never an issue before. This all has only been since I've made them aware of my decision. I'm really close to my parents and stop by their place 3-4 times a week, so this is really affecting me. They only reason why they resent my decision so badly that I can think of is that I'm the oldest child... I'm hurt that they keep acting this way. It would be really hard to cut them out of my life completly, we're a close knit family, they gave me a good childhood, and have been there for me in tough times.

My partner is set to be a little league coach in the spring. I think this will be a good outlet for him. He may try being a Big Brother later. Last night, I came home to a suprise from him. He made a really nice candle light dinner and made it really romantic. He told me that if being CF is what I want, that he wants to make it work, couldn't see himself with anyone else, and his love for me is greater than than any wanting of a son. From the four years of being with him I felt that he was really sincere. We were also friends for 3 years before we started dating and he is 10 years older than me (please don't judge), so this makes me more trusting in what he has told me. He had told his parents and they have been suprisingly supportive. He hasn't had a big change in his attitude after talking to his peers. I'm prepared to do what I must if things change with him and I'm sticking to my guns. I've been getting a somewhat hard time from my peers but if they are really my friends they should respect my decision with time. If not I'll be trying to make some new friends. I should also look into my options for bc... maybe I'll post on the bc page.

A lot has happened much more quickly than I expected. This is also really suprising to me because I was thinking the opposite would happen- that my parents would be really accepting and my partner would leave me. Any advice for dealing with parents?

[happy2bchildfree]

I wouldn't worry about your parents' feelings too much. This is all new to them, and it isn't what they wanted, hoped for, or expected. They may never be happy with your choice but I do think that in time they will come to accept it, but it isn't going to happen overnight.

As for your partner, time will tell... Sorry for being so skeptical but my first husband told me that being with me was more important than having a child but when it really came down to it, it didn't turn out that way...

[preraph]

I agree with Happy about not worrying too much this early about the parents' reactions. You have to remember that, right or wrong, at some level they take you rejecting THEIR major life decision and not wanting to be like them in that regard as an insult. Also, there can sometimes be an element of resentment caused by envy, you know, "Well, I didn't have that option when I was your age" (no birth control) and then they start thinking about it and may actually resent that you will have a freedom they don't. But you're close with your family, and they'll get over the shock in time. If they do start gouging you about it every visit or embarassing you in front of company after you've waited a decent amount of time for them to adjust, you may have to speak up and say, Hey, it's different times, women have choices and we don't all want the same thing. You wanted a family, and you did that with your life. Now I'm doing what I want to do." You know, all shrinks will tell you you can't change what other people say/do, only your reaction to it. If one does start picking on you after a decent amount of time, the less you act like it bothers you, the better. Change the subject, start talking and laughing with someone else in the room, or if you're a wiseass (my saving grace), get them back with a cutting but funny/embarassing remark about them. For example, if it's a sibling and one used to wet the bed and they make a snide remark about you not having kids, laugh and say something like, Yes, it really is a shame, especially since unlike you, at least I wouldn't have been passing on the bedwetting gene. Just refuse to let them guilt you and now you're past the announcement, don't let them see you feeling sad that they're angry. People mainly pick on people who are acting weak. If they know they'll get shot down or their comment left hanging making them look like the ahole, they're less likely to continue. In other words, now it's out, do not be apologetic. They take that as waffling and think that means they may change your mind.

By the way, I think it was very nice of your man to make that gesture and it's more positive than not. Of course, like Happy says, anything can happen. They can change their mind or think they're going to change yours, but at least it was support when you needed it and you have his pledge that he's okay with it. The fact he's that much older is actually good. Not sure how old either of you are, but if he gets past a certain point, he may not think having kids is practical financially.