new perspective fencesitter relationship?

[elisabethbennet]

Hello,
I am writing here to understand my girlfriend a little better and hopefully find another perspective that could make our relationship work.. So please try to not judge any of us but show a new perspective to solve this issue.

I am a 24 year old woman (and yes we are in a lesbian relationship). We are highschool friends with my precious but we are in a serious relationship for more than 3 years now. I am the type of woman who always knew she was born to be a mother, a working mother. I think of myself as a fertility representation..
And she is just the opposite.. She never wanted kids since she was 16, when I met her. She always told everyone that, and was discriminated for it as well. I could do nothing but watch, because I do not understand her.

Now, the point that we got to is, we are having a ling distance relationship for more than 2 years now, we are badly in love.She already proposed several times.. and yes I said yes. But she does not want babies at all, and I do. She says it is ok to adopt, she could do that for me and I say, let's adopt 2 and have one of (my) our own. She is talking about splitting up then, eventually. Because this is becoming an issue..

I know you might think we are young, but when you want to give birth and settle in a gay family, there are a lot of crappy things you have to deal, so we have to start early with those things. (I believe).

As I said, we are kind of stuck. We need new perspectives. I understand but I can not empathize, or I do absolutely not want a childfree life.

[happy2bchildfree]

It makes no difference if it is a same-sex relationship or opposite-sex relationship when one partner wants children and one does not. My first marriage broke up because of the kid issue--he wanted them and I did not. I told him how I felt from the beginning and he seemed OK with it, but as soon as we married he started pressuring me to have a kid. After we split up, asked him why he had married me knowing I didn't want kids and he did. Turned out he thought I would change my mind.

Unless one of you changes your mind and will be OK with that, it will end up being a dealbreaker, sorry to say. But it is better to break up than to have a child you don't want or to have her resent you for depriving her of the children she wants. Good luck, I hope things work out for you.

[preraph]

You know, I would just give you the same advice I would give a straight couple. Anyone who doesn't want a child shouldn't have one. It completely changes your life and no one who values their life as it is and cherishes their dreams should want to give that up to become a mother. Many women's dream IS to be a mother, and that's great, and they should, and you should, but not with someone who doesn't want children. Not to be harsh here, but I have said this many times to women who are trying to force children on men: You say having children is a priority, but what kind of parent are you that you would even consider choosing a father/mother for your kids who doesn't LIKE them enough to want them, who is not interested in making them a priority? It is a very irresponsible person who chooses someone who doesn't want kids to have kids with -- and it shows they are NOT thinking about the kids' welfare. Have kids either by yourself or with someone else. If you read the other recent post on this subject by Happy, she has some other thoughts on it that apply here as well. You know, you can't change people. If you force them to change something that important, it will only breed resentment. If you stay in spite of having kids being your top priority, that will also breed resentment. I'd say don't live together but remain friends or whatever, and you go make a household with kids and let her be a part as much or little as she feels comfortable with. The hard truth is, though, that you don't have much time left for a partner once you have kids to follow around, which lasts for a full 3-5 years, literally following them around the clock. Most people drop their friends who don't have kids because unless they can use them for sitters, they don't have time for them. It's just a complete life changer that an increasing number of people do not want to be a part of.

[happy2bchildfree]

Jan 19, 2011 18:24:00 GMT -5 preraph said:

I'd say don't live together but remain friends or whatever, and you go make a household with kids and let her be a part as much or little as she feels comfortable with. The hard truth is, though, that you don't have much time left for a partner once you have kids to follow around, which lasts for a full 3-5 years, literally following them around the clock. Most people drop their friends who don't have kids because unless they can use them for sitters, they don't have time for them. It's just a complete life changer that an increasing number of people do not want to be a part of.

I honestly can't see an arrangment like thatworking for any length of time or for anything more than a casual friendship if even that. It's like dating a guy with kids and I can tell you from experience that it doesn't work. For the partner who has the kids, those kids will always be their priority until they are grown, and the partner who doesn't have the kids gets tired--fast--of that. Seriously, who is going to be content always playing second fiddle to someone else's kid(s)? And it's hardly fair for either party to settle for a part-time relationship with the person they want as a full-time life partner.

[preraph]

Well, exactly. But some people can remain friends after a breakup. At least you're not married and then have custody or alimoney problems, so in the end, this would protect both parties because once the relationship winds down, it's over, whereas if they marry and have a kid, they're legally bound and for life and not happy about it -- and at least one of them wants no part of it and certainly isn't going to want to pay child support just because she was with someone who had kids even though she knew her partner didn't want them. Moving out is just a way to avoid a big mess. I'm saying don't have this kid while living with your present partner. Make your own nest and do what you want to do and let her do what she wants to do. You have to be mature if you're going to have kids and make some practical decisions. Don't make the mistake of thinking she is going to genuinely change her mind. There are people who will cave in just out of insecurity and because of pressure, but that is NOT going to make them a parent or do anything except cause misery for you, for her, and for the children. There are a couple of billion people in this world, and half of them are women who want children, so put some thought into it and pick someone appropriate for your goals.

[happy2bchildfree]

Jan 21, 2011 20:29:07 GMT -5 preraph said:

But some people can remain friends after a breakup.

For those who can, more power to them.

[elisabethbennet]

Thank you very much for the replies and the discussions.
I love her sooo soooo soooooo much, I do not want to live without her. I know there are plenty of more people who want to have kids out there, but noone is like her to me now. I think we are able to raise a good family. I am aware that I am putting pressure and even my dreams on her saying those things.

I think I better let things to the flow... then who knows I may end up making 'the right decision' or not...

[preraph]

If you really love someone, you don't want to force them into doing something important that they don't want to do. If you love someone, you respect them. You don't ask a dog lover to give up their dog, because they would feel guilt about it from then on, you don't ask them to move off and abandon elderly parents if they're close, and you don't force them into having kids they don't want, which requires the ultimate sacrifice and is also the worst possible choice for the children. At some point, you do have to put the children's needs first, and that means not having someone involved who doesn't want to be. I hope things work out for you. There are so many options in life and it's up to each of us to make the choices that in the long run make the most sense. Love isn't going to change someone's mind about having kids and it's not going to change yours about not wanting them. Love isn't enough to raise kids.

[happy2bchildfree]

I hope that everything works out but I will tell you from experience that when one party in the relationship either gives up something they really want/something that is very important to them, or does something they really don't want to do, for the sake of keeping the relationship together, resentment has a way of creeping into the relationship further down the line. Then the relationship ends up breaking up anyway and the breakup is that much worse because because the people involved have that much more time and emotional energy invested. Love isn't enough for a relationship to work out.