Brother's gf is pregnant

[sage]

What a blessing. (I'm being sarcastic, BTW.) They're two of the most irritating, immature people I've ever known.

Now I've never liked his gf or her 3-year-old daughter, and I haven't liked my brother in about ten years, but they're relatives. Still, I don't see why I should ever be involved, but saying that I won't be is apparently a giant no-no.

The thing that really gets to me is that I know that I'm going to be pushed out of the way to make room for this screaming flesh ball, and I'm going to matter less and less in my parents' lives, because no matter what achievements I do with my life, like, say, earning a Ph.D., that's nothing compared to how cutely Snotnose inhales Cheerios. I know I need to make more friends so I can get away from these people, but I don't know how.

I guess the only thing I can say is damn it.

[preraph]

I feel for you. It is true that childless people are often marginalized by family and friends alike. I hope you don't feel inadequate in some way for having trouble making friends in the real world. I used to make friends so easily, but even by the time I was in my thirties, it was rare to meet a new friend. Meeting friends takes a lot of free time to spend with them, for one, and everyone is working all the time. My friend cancelled lunch on me this week. It would have been my only outing. I joined a group that meets that is a paranormal group and I have enjoyed making acquaintances at the meetings, but they are mostly all younger and though they are all very nice to me, it is unlikely any friendships will continue outside the structured activities. But I do find it worth the time and effort just to mix with people and get to express myself a bit. I just want someone who is willing to go have lunch somewhere nice once in awhile, nothing very demanding. I have a little office job as well as my other work now, and I mainly like everyone there, but it's funny because usually most jobs, you'll see cliques going to lunch with each other, and NO ONE goes to lunch with each other here. In a way it's good because at least you don't feel excluded. Unless the boss takes us, no one goes together. I think it may be mainly for money reasons, though, but not sure. I have mentioned a few times the cheap little Mexican restaurant down the street to see if anyone is interested, but no one remotely is. I'm nearing 60, so that's probably just too much for younger people. There are two women there near my age, though. One is quite friendly, but no one seems to take it outside of work. It's just hard to make real friends these days. I think everyone is just on Facebook and doesn't care about seeing someone in the flesh. Maybe it's just as well.

On a related note, there has been a study that men are dating FAR less because of online porn. They are perfectly happy just taking care of business and not spending any money or effort doing it. So I guess that tells us something we didn't really want to know.....not that we wanted to date those men anyway, but it's filtering out a lot more than most of us cared to know existed.

[sage]

It is true that childless people are often marginalized by family and friends alike.

So true, in fact I was feeling that before this, it's just another drop in the bucket I guess. My cousins started getting married and having kids a few years ago, and now nobody in my extended family could care less about the rest of us who aren't breeding. The prevailing opinion really does seem to be that if you're not punching out babies, no matter what you're doing, you're not really achieving anything. Only when that birth canal has been put to good use have you really proved your worth as a human being - otherwise, you're just letting the whole family down.

[happy2bchildfree]

Mar 1, 2011 19:00:49 GMT -5 sage said:

It is true that childless people are often marginalized by family and friends alike.

So true, in fact I was feeling that before this, it's just another drop in the bucket I guess. My cousins started getting married and having kids a few years ago, and now nobody in my extended family could care less about the rest of us who aren't breeding. The prevailing opinion really does seem to be that if you're not punching out babies, no matter what you're doing, you're not really achieving anything. Only when that birth canal has been put to good use have you really proved your worth as a human being - otherwise, you're just letting the whole family down.

It's true. When you don't have kids you are just out of the loop, and whatever else you might be doing just doesn't compare with having babies in their eyes. I didn't fit in with the friends and relatives who had babies or wanted them. Once my brother had kids I always felt like my parents perceived me as "less than" him because he bred and I didn't.

I will say that the "out of the loop", marginalized feeling was a lot worse as a result of being single than it ever was being childfree.

[sage]

I knew it, I knew it! Just got the "You should have kids, too" from my mother. Saw that coming from a mile away. I guess my brother breeding isn't good enough. Him having a kid is just reminding her that I'm not.

She even did the whole "You'd be a good mom!" bit. Number one, that's irrelevant. Personally, I always thought my brother would be a great priest, but see where that went. Secondly, my mother's not the brightest bulb in the world, so she's talking out of her behind - either she's really delusional or she wants a grandkid so bad she'll say things she knows are not really true in order to convince me.

I'm just so angry because I knew this crap was going to start.

[preraph]

God, so sorry you are having to be the subject of this abusive bulls**t. I hope you told her you have no interest in it and find the idea extremely boring - but thank her for having you. You always have to acknowledge their choice a little so they don't take it as you telling them they were stupid for making the choice they did -- even though most of them just had babies by accident. Jeez.

You know, when you said that, I remembered a conversation me and my mom had late in life. Now, bear in mind that I have an "excuse" - I was "probably infertile." Even after the huge improvements in fertility procedures, I never allowed a doctor to talk me into "tests" etc. But really, I bet with the improved fertility procedures I could have gotten pregnant if I'd wanted. Anyway, fortunately, my mom never questioned that or, I guess, thought of it. But somewhat late in the day, after I had finally gotten what I really wanted - a great dog -- everyone seemed surprised how devoted I was to the dog, like maybe they thought I didn't have a maternal bone in me. I remember some conversation with my mom having to do with that and I might have been a good kid mother, too, and I remember saying, Sure I'd have been a good mother if I'd wanted to do it. I'd have been great if I'd decided to devote myself to it. I didn't know how my mom would react to that, but actually, she kind of liked it, and I'm not sure why--whether it was because she wanted to think I could have done it or she was relieved to know I really didn't want to do it. So you never know how they'll react.

[sage]

Oh, I'm not going to insinuate she made a mistake. She wasn't the world's best mom but it's not like I regret being born or raised. She's just one of those people who thinks women without children are missing out on the only thing that could ever really be fulfilling.

Honestly, at times I wonder there are previous lives and reincarnation because there really isn't any logical explanation, at least with genetics and environment, that I am so completely different from my family. From day one as a kid I just wanted to be a great academic and independent person. That is way over everyone else's head. They really think there's something really wrong with me, and while at times I think it's really funny other times I just wish they'd STFU already. I'm not doing anything wrong or immoral - at least, not in my eyes. My mom is so convinced that there is no happiness outside of the Donna Reed life she envisioned for herself ever since she was a little girl, and she's really afraid that I'm determined to make my life miserable. She's not mean-spirited or cruel, just very small-minded.

[happy2bchildfree]

Mar 5, 2011 14:33:46 GMT -5 sage said:

Oh, I'm not going to insinuate she made a mistake. She wasn't the world's best mom but it's not like I regret being born or raised. She's just one of those people who thinks women without children are missing out on the only thing that could ever really be fulfilling.

Honestly, at times I wonder there are previous lives and reincarnation because there really isn't any logical explanation, at least with genetics and environment, that I am so completely different from my family. From day one as a kid I just wanted to be a great academic and independent person. That is way over everyone else's head. They really think there's something really wrong with me, and while at times I think it's really funny other times I just wish they'd STFU already. I'm not doing anything wrong or immoral - at least, not in my eyes. My mom is so convinced that there is no happiness outside of the Donna Reed life she envisioned for herself ever since she was a little girl, and she's really afraid that I'm determined to make my life miserable. She's not mean-spirited or cruel, just very small-minded.

I'm another one who was/is entirely different from anyone in my family. I've always wondered why that is.

It took awhile but my mother did finally come to the realization that I am a different person living in a different time than she did, and that times have changed. I can consider myself fortunate that she realized from the get-go that I am someone who wasn't and never would be suited to motherhood. She actually encouraged me to be childfree. I do think that deep-down she wished that I would have wanted/been suited to motherhood but she never said so--and she did respect me for not doing something I knew was wrong for me.

I'm just sorry that your mother can't be open-minded enough to realize that what was the right choice for her is not the right choice for you. I suppose it is difficult for parents to come to the realization that we don't want for ourselves what they want for us, but in the end they have to learn to accept it, like or not.

I'm really sorry that you are having to deal with this crap.

[sage]

I'm reeling right now. You see, my mother has always been the sort of person - well, not always, but in the past ten years or so - who will not do anything for anybody if it involves anything more than the slightest effort. So, she'll help clean up the dishes, but she absolutely will NOT take you to the doctor when you're sick. That's too much work.

I really don't mind. Really, I don't. There was the time I was working a miserable job as a Wal-Mart cashier and I starting feeling so sick I could barely keep up, and I had absolutely no money and I called her and asked her to bring me some medicine: No. Out of the question. There was the time I was working an only slightly less miserable job at Target and someone stole my lunch out of the fridge. I asked her to please bring me something (she lives 5 minutes away from both Wal-Mart and Target, and both of these incidents were on weekends, when she wasn't working) - that too was refused. Well, whatever. I can't depend on her all the time.

Oh, but tonight, bro's gf, the world's most important person, developed a craving for chocolate ice cream. Now my mom worked from 5 to 5 today, and then had to stop for a two-hour-long appointment after that, but precious gf can't be denied. So my mother drove out of her way and came home at 9:30 PM so Princess could have her ****ing ice cream.

Hmm. Maybe I should fake a pregnancy and then I'd matter that much, too.

[preraph]

Oh, God, what a passive-aggressive mother you have! I doubt you having a baby would make her do the same for you. Likely she'd purposefully give all her attention to the baby itself and make you feel like the stepchild as it sounds like she enjoys. Really, I don't know a mother who wouldn't drive a few blocks to help out a child or a friend. Honestly, I don't know a mother that wouldn't drive to another state to do it for their child. I'm afraid you ended up with a weak and self-involved lazy mom. If she wants to know why you have no desire to have kids, she ought to look in the mirror. It's not like she is exactly a motherly role model or manages to convey that there's any joy in it. Sometimes I think they act better around other people's kids and pretend to like them more just to put on a show because they know it's not normal to be so detached from their own. My mom was a little that way. She wasn't very affectionate, though she took very good care of us, but when a relative came, she'd try to act like the affectionate mother and put on a show -- and if they brought a baby, she'd make a huge fuss - which I don't remember her ever doing with her own, though maybe she only likes babies before they can talk back, a very real possibility.

[happy2bchildfree]

Sage--All I can say is that I am truly sorry.

[sage]

Well I told her, she's always saying that Princess is a member of the family, but seriously she treats her a heck of a lot better than that. Like you would a houseguest you go out of your way to be nice to and don't bring up the fact that they left your good quilt out where the dog could rip it up. I do think her being pregnant with bro's child has something to do with it. She wanted gks out of both of us and now she's finally getting it, and screw the circumstances.
Seriously, it really reminds me of those people you see whose 14-year-old daughters get prego by a pizza delivery boy with a predilection for underage alcohol consumption, and they're over the moon with thrills. It doesn't matter where it comes from. It's just a baby and a blessing no matter what. They're happy their children are giving them what they want.

[sweetnsour]

Childfree being left out of the loop? It's called "envy".

[sage]

So tonight I was invited to dinner with bro, gf, and dad. Now dad I've never gotten along with, and he has no reservations about publicly and openly displaying his preference for my brother. But they were going to Bar Louie. I wanted tabbouleh with hummus and tzatziki. I went.

What a huge mistake. Gf was the subject the WHOLE time. Seriously, if I said anything I just got talked over like I wasn't even there. (I guess getting on the Dean's List just isn't big news or anything.) And what really got to me was how "special" this all was. Bro was "special". Gf was "special". Parasite - excuse me, fetus - was "special".

And really, it makes me laugh! Wow, you got knocked up! You're about as special as a horny rabbit! Kudos for doing what takes about as much brain power as sitting the right way on a toilet seat (okay, I admit the toilet seat takes more). How any other achievement could match up to that would mean that achievement would have to involve breathing and remembering to keep your eyes open.

Special!

[preraph]

That is so sad and so passive-aggressive and just downright rude of your entire family to do that to you. Certainly being on the Dean's List (or even choosing not to breed when you can't afford it and don't have the brains to do it right) is a bigger accomplishment. Honestly, they sound awful and cruel. What aholes. I hope at least the tzatziki was delish! F those people! I wouldn't even want to be around them. I don't mind dining alone!

[happy2bchildfree]

I'm not crazy about dining alone but I sure like it better than dining with people who would treat me so poorly.

I would avoid those people like the plague. Nobody needs toxic people like that in their life. It almost seems like they invited you just so they could abuse you.

[sage]

I'm at Easter dinner now. It's really coming home to me how left-out I'm going to be. These people only consider kids and the parents who have them as conversation-worthy. Personally, I'd much rather discuss the Roman and Islamic coins I've recently cleaned up and researched, but whatever. Honestly I've reached the point where I don't care anymore. Whatever.

[preraph]

It sounds like they live in a very small world and want to keep it that way. You are the explorer of the family. Be proud of that.

[mallorycolemom]

Family doesn't have to be blood. Find people that make you happy and fill YOUR love tank. Screw the rest!

[malagata]

I'm sorry your family is so dismissive of you. It really burns my bacon. >_<

This was a concern I had when my brother in law had his son, that I would be lost in the wind and kicked to the side. It didn't happen but we are a closer family then it sounds like you are with your Dad and Brother. I also made it a point to be happy for BiL because even if we don't see it as anything special (Or even a bad thing) he does and it is hugely important to him. I've always viewed family kids as different because they are kin, so that helps too. I make a concentrated effort to be there for them as they grow up.

But again this gets down to your family being unsupportive jerks and it seems like if it wasn't the kid it would be something else. I think I feel for the kid too having to be born into such a mess.

*Hugs

I think I'd be looking for my family elsewhere just as Mallory said.