Should I get my tubes tied?

[KITT]

I think it's funny. When people ask for advice. And people give advice. But the person who asked for advice. Still goes down the road he/she was on before he/she asked for advice. Everyone here has said wait till you are more sure of yourself. It is NOT stalling unless your with a man. And family planning is something that should be talked about as a couple. So if your not with a man. WAIT!!

[minerva]

KITT/Devin - I don't think EVERYONE has said to wait.

I said to take in intermediate step that is reversible & possibly less invasive, and I stand by that. I still think it's a good suggestion as she's somewhat on the fence.

I TOTALLY disagree that HER DECISION about what to do with HER BODY should be up for discussion with anyone else but a doctor. Your assertion that she needs to wait to be with a man to justify a decision that is so personal and of this magnitude is borderline misogyny. What, is her opinion so invaluable? Is she too stupid to make this decision on her own? I don't think so.

I still say you're nothing more than a troll. Where is the ignore button on this board so I can stop reading your drivel?

[Devin]

I don't like you very much either! You stick your NOSE where it don't belong. If I knew where your nose was at. I would bloody it for you!

[KITT]

First off I have never ran down. What other people have written on this web site. You shouldn't either! And if a woman comes here acting like she is totally lost on what she wants to do. Then people write her a tell her she isn't ready to make it permanent. She even said she didn't want people. To tell her only she could decide. Kind of sounds like she decided. Before anyone told her anything. I wish her the best.

[nycgirlincrisis]

I think maybe I'm just thinking about this because of my relationship with my own parents. When I talk with them and they tell me how screwed up my life is or I am, I'm more emphatic about not reproducing, because a. I don't want to recreate this crap with ANOTHER family and b. I can't help thinking that I'm some pathetic person who should never be trusted to be responsible for someone else. So that's why my feelings have been changing so much. If I just didn't talk to them, I would be more able to make a rational decision. Anyway, I talked to a doctor yesterday, and she didn't think any doctor would be willing to do it on someone my age. It got me thinking maybe I do just have the urge to do something because it's permanent, and maybe I SHOULD just get a tattoo.

I wish that this wasn't so complicated. I hate how having a family is so tied up with money, career vs. staying home, the biological clock etc. etc. etc. I feel like I have to make the final decision now so I can plan the rest of my life around it.

[Devin]

I did chat with someone at Essure the other night. She said there wasn't any age limit. On having Essure done. But they would tell you it can't be undone. Once it's done. And they would ask your reasons for wanting permanent birth control. Good luck on what ever you decide.

[Devin]

I don't feel like you have to decide. RIGHT NOW! Because you say your NOT doing anything that could make you pregnant. And I do think it should be talked about as a couple. No matter what someone else on this web site thinks! Maybe you should stay away from your parents. Your 26 years old. And it seems like they just run you down.

[preraph]

NY, first things first. Get on birth control pills or an IUD or whatever the doctor thinks will prevent pregnancy best and is safest for you. Then work through all this family stuff and sort out some of the confusion. One thing for sure, you're not ready to have a child now, so step one is to get on birth control. Unlike Devin, I don't think you want to wait and consult a partner about what to do with your body. Choose a man who is on the same page as you instead and you'll have less conflict and confusion. Don't just go from letting your parents run your life to letting a man run your life. Work on becoming independent. It is the best gift anyone can give themselves, and once you begin making productive decisions and standing on your own two feet, your confidence will soar and you won't be so undecided and confused, I promise.

Your age is a very emotional age. It's, as the book says, the best of times and the worst of times. Gain your independence as soon as possible. Make a move every day to be self-sufficient. It sounds like your parents did a number on you, and they will continue to do so as long as you let them. But you can't just blow them off until you build yourself up and become self-sufficient. So work on that. You sound like you really hate someone having that power over you, so I would strongly suggest you not even get in a serious relationship until you become who you want to be so that you don't choose a man who is just like your parents. It's time to break that cycle.


One thing I always told myself is that if someone else could do it, I could do it. So don't be daunted by trying new things and jobs or anything. Believe me, there are people a LOT dumber than you out there making a perfectly good living. I get pissed off all the time because the work I do, I hear depositions, and like last week, there was a guy who couldn't even spell either of his (ex)wives' maiden names and couldn't pronounce multisyllable words. I mean, he was illiterate in the extreme. And the guy was making twice what I make and more than I made at the height of my old career. Just keep trying. Keep moving toward a goal. Put the child thing on hold for now, prevent pregnancy the usual ways, and just move forward step by step. You can't love somebody else until you love yourself.

[Devin]

I'm NOT saying she need her partner's OK on it. But it would be nice. And I feel if she did anything permanent now. She would greatly regret it down the road. I know she is the one the would have to be the pregnant woman. If she did decide to have children. I just don't think she is ready to make it permanent YET.


Devin

[Devin]

The main reason. I told her she should wait till she was in a ralationship. I was thinking it might make the doctors think she needs permanent birth control. If she was in a relationship.



Devin

[happy2bchildfree]

If someone is absolutely positive that they will never, ever want children, why should they wait until they are in a relationship to have the tubal or vasectomy?

The only reason I suggested that the Other Poster wait was because she still seemed to be on the fence, not because she isn't in a relationship.

I wanted to have my tubal done when I wasn't involved with anyone, and I did. This way, when I started dating anyone they would know that I was serious about being Childfree and there was no possibility of my mind changing.

[ladyx]

Wow. My heart goes out to you. Judging by your post, you seem to be a bright, intelligent young woman who is down on herself and life for no good reason- there is so much you can do and so much potential, so don't waste it by letting yourself fall into a downward spiral! Reach for help- there's a reason you're self-sabotaging. Deep down inside, something is going on and it's holding you back.

In regard to your question about getting your tubes tied: Absolutely not- I do not think you should do it. People should only get their tubes tied when they have come to the personal decision of preference that they don't want to have children, not because of a bunch of paranoid fears they have about being a bad parent, or "bad genetics, or the like. You are not doomed to repeat your parent's mistakes, nor are you doomed to being a loser forever! No one is perfect, and you have the ability to change a lot of those factors in your life. Will you be able to completely "cure" yourself of your emotional difficulties? Maybe. Can you learn skills and gain support to handle those emotional difficulties so that they do not adversely affect you life? Absolutely! When you've hit bottom, you have no where to go but up...it's time to reach out for help. There's nothing wrong with help- everyone needs it at some point, and it doesn't make us "crazy" or weak. Counseling will do you good- you need a positive coach who can build you up and help you heal inside so you can become a stronger person and accomplish the things you want in life. Once you are there, THEN you can decide about children. Once you have done the work on yourself INSIDE, you'll be able to make that decision. You'll know what you really want.

[Devin]

I think if NY did get fixed. It would be for. ALL THE WRONG REASONS. I don't think it's about someone who don't want children. Or even about someone who has to decide RIGHT NOW! I think this is more about FEAR. Then ANYTHING.


Devin

[KITT]

This is NOT about a woman. Who doesn't want children. And knows she doesn't want children. So she needs permanent birth control. This is about a mixed up girl. Who thinks permanent birth control will solve her problems. Wanting children and not being able to have them. Is just as bad or worst then an unplanned pregnancy. Women should have permanent birth control done. When the are sure they don't want children. NOT fix them selfs. To where they can't have children. Should they want them. And that is what this girl wants to do!

KITT

[nycgirlincrisis]

"You can't love anyone until you love yourself". I agree with that statement, and I also agree that I really don't want to be in a relationship right now, because I hate people having power over me. That is probably my single biggest issue. But since this is such a huge issue, I don't know why I've always let it happen. You'd think I would have been one of those people who became independent from the time she was 18 and just completely broke away from her parents.

That's funny that you met someone who's so illiterate. (well not ha ha funny, actually kind of sad) Someone told me that like 25% of Americans are functionally illiterate, but I'm not sure I believe it's that high.

[Devin]

NY, I think for you to have something permanent done. Would only make you more of a victim. And NOT free you from anything. Have you thought about using Depo-Provera? Thats a shot every 3 months. And It would keep you from getting pregnant. Just as much as something permanent would. Only thing is. When you stop getting that shot you can become pregnant again. I am sure your NOT ready for anything permanent YET!


Devin

[preraph]

NY, I'm only making a wild guess here, but it's possible that your parents didn't prepare you for independence. If so, you'll just have to learn it yourself one small step at a time. Really, if they don't prepare you for the real world, you are without tools. Sadly, it's often the same parents who fail to do their job who then also enjoy criticizing their child for what they caused. Dealing with people who treat you like that is what is familiar to you, and that's why there's such a danger of getting yourself stuck right back in a similar rut unless you take it upon yourself to recreate yourself to what you want to be. I'm glad you're able to see a therapist or whatever.

[nycgirlincrisis]

It's probably true that my parents didn't prepare me for independence. I remember when I was a teenager, they told me to go get a summer job. Most of my friends and classmates who had summer jobs had gotten them through their parents or their parents' friends. But mine just told me to go out and "pound the pavement" because that's what had worked for THEM back in the '60's. No one was going to hire an awkward teenager with no resume or experience, except for maybe at a fast food place, and there weren't even any of those in our ritzy little neighborhood! Even today when I'm technically an "adult", most of the people I know who have "good" jobs got to where they are today because of help and connections from their parents.

However, my younger sister is already well on her way to being successful and independent, and she was brought up in exactly the same environment, as they often point out to me. Does this mean that maybe I'm just especially difficult, and they weren't prepared for that? Why would we have turned out so different if we had the exact same parents?

As far as counseling goes, my current therapist is doing it for free, but as I said before, it's kind of getting weird. He mentioned something once about a center where you can get therapy up to three times a week for like $5 or $10 a session, because they have a sliding scale for people with lower incomes. I think I might check that out, and actually get serious about it. Three times a week is pretty intense, so you basically HAVE to be serious about it if you're going to make such a big commitment. I think at this point, I need intense, old-fashioned therapy, not "just to talk".

[Devin]

Sometimes, parents favor one child more then to other. But that doesn't mean the one that got left out. Can't make a good life for his/herself.

[preraph]

NY, lots of times the older child is raised completely differently than the younger. My sister was 7 years older than me and she grew up real entitled and like everyone owed her something, where I was a workhorse. She got lots of attention from my mom, but by the time I was a teen, my mom didn't feel like carting me around for after-school events and stuff. She'd gotten enough of it when my sister was in high school, who was real active. It does make a difference. And yes, it can just be personality differences. Anyway, I think the intensive and amazingly inexpensive therapy is a great idea. I wish I'd had something like that available to me at different times in my life. It's your life and it's both a blessing and a curse that it's up to us to choose what we do with it. There's times you get tired of trying, I know. But whatever you can envision to do with your life, you can do if you just start focusing on it.