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Post by nycgirlincrisis on Apr 24, 2007 17:52:13 GMT -5
Hi, I'm a 26-year-old woman living in New York City. These past couple years have been really difficult for me, as I've had a lot of trouble getting/keeping jobs, and I've had to rely on my parents for money. I'm a late bloomer, and still planning to go back and finish college, but my parents are getting fed up with me and want me to just get my life together. Anyway, I've pretty much lost all confidence in myself and the world over the past two years, and I really can't see having children. I've been considering getting a tubal ligation for about a year, but I'm a little nervous about making any decision that's PERMANENT. The reasons why I'm considering getting my tubes tied are as follows: 1. I'm well into adulthood and still can't even take care of myself, so I'm not sure I'll EVER be financially or emotionally ready to have kids (especially if the kids are like me!) 2. I've always been a little ambivalent about motherhood, and gotten more excited thinking about careers, travel, etc. I don't think that would make me an ideal mother. 3. I'm intelligent, but nevertheless I have some mild emotional disabilities, that could be passed on genetically. 4. My family experiences have often been rocky, which makes me think maybe I'm just not cut out for family life in general, either as a child or parent.
Anyway, should I get the op? Please don't say "only you can decide": that's not why I'm asking for advice! Any thoughts on the subject, similar experiences etc. would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Post by Minerva on Apr 24, 2007 21:20:36 GMT -5
Perhaps consider an intermediate solution for now? I mean, who knows - you may surprise yourself and really wind up getting your sh*t together.  I hear a lot of people who've had their tubal say that they, like me, have ALWAYS KNOWN that kids weren't going to be a part of their life. I think if you're still not 100% sure, you might want to take a step by step approach. Have you considered an IUD at all? It's the option I chose and am completely thrilled with the results thus far (3 years into at this point). |
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Post by Devin on Apr 25, 2007 10:29:55 GMT -5
Ask yourself do I want children? If to answer is NO. Then ask yourself. If I go to my death bed at 92 years old. Is NOT having children going to be something I will really regret not have done in life. If you aswer yes having your tubes tied is not for you. if you won't regret it it's probably something you should look into. The human race will go on even without you making babies. So if you don't want to make babies. Don't make babies!
Devin
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Post by Devin on Apr 26, 2007 6:06:08 GMT -5
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Post by Big D on May 21, 2007 21:52:50 GMT -5
I was just wondering what that girl decided about being fixed? I think she should have Essure done. But it's up to her. It also should be about how often she has sex. If she is with one partner or many. If she is with many partners she should always have her partner wear a condom. But in any case she should NOT let some guy make a mommy out of her!
Big D
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Post by nycgirlincrisis on Jun 13, 2007 10:04:39 GMT -5
Hi, I haven't revisited this in awhile, but anyway, I'm still thinking about getting "fixed". I HAVEN'T done it yet, but am still considering it.
Anyway, as for the questions about sex, I'm actually not even sexually active right now, so it's not an urgent need. What a lot of people don't understand is that the decision isn't really just about sex or birth control, it's about deciding once and for all what will happen in my life. If I get the op, there is at least one thing that's certain, and I'll know that no matter how bad things get for me, I won't screw up someone else, and I won't get stuck in a bad family situation. The truth is, I'm just not very good at family relations, and I think that's one skill you either have or you don't! From my experiences with my original family (which BTW, are still ongoing to this day) I'd honestly rather just be alone than risk recreating THAT.
I have found a doctor who's willing to do the operation if I finally take the plunge, so anyway, wish me luck.
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Post by jmatties on Jun 13, 2007 12:15:00 GMT -5
Good luck in whatever choice you make!
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Post by preraph on Jun 13, 2007 13:34:32 GMT -5
NYgirl - You sound like a very rational person who is trying very hard to take the wheel and steer your life, which is what we all need to focus on, because letting God take care of it or friends, lovers and family herd us into things instead is the least rewarding path of all. The more we do proactively to direct our lives, the more good things happen for us. It's just this universal law of momentum or something. You have to get things rolling and then things more easily fall into place. Unless there is a part of you deep down that yearns for children and wishes you could be a good mother, I think you are right to do the tubal ligation. If there is some deeply rooted maternal urge but you just feel you don't have the tools to raise children because of your upbringing, then invest in therapy now and work through and rise above those issues and then decide.
As someone who could never get pregnant, I can see, looking back, that like you said, there was little ambiguity in my life. I never halfway did something because there was the possibility my life or career would be derailed by unplanned motherhood or by caving into a spouse's wishes on parenthood. I do not have one morsel of regret that I couldn't have children. I guess until we die we don't know for sure if it was part of our plan or someone else's plan - but I do know for sure that I was much better able on making my own life plan because I knew children were not an option. Yes, if I'd ended up rich, maybe I'd have adopted some older kids that no one else wanted and been like the Hollywood stars and then hired someone else to look after their daily needs. Just because I do have compassion for them. But I never aspired to it. I'm maternal to my animals, and they are really all I need -- and more sometimes!
It is very hard for a woman to support herself in this world. The older you get, generally, the harder it becomes. Grit your teeth and get out there and find your path and don't let anyone or anything derail you from doing what you want.
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Post by Devin on Jun 13, 2007 13:41:51 GMT -5
I wish you luck. With your life choices. But I was hoping you'd go for Essure. There isn't any cutting into the body with Essure. It just sounds neat! www.essure.com . But I guess your going to do a Tubal Ligation. But no matter which one you do. It's better then being a pregnant woman! Keep us posted on if you take that jump into permanent birth control or not. Good luck! Devin |
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Post by minerva on Jun 13, 2007 17:15:40 GMT -5
Everyone who was caught off guard by Devin posting about Essure please raise your hand.
I think we get it.
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Post by nycgirlincrisis on Jun 13, 2007 20:19:57 GMT -5
As far as maternal urges go, I really don't have any right now at all. I'm not sure if I will in the future or not. I had another huge "discussion" with my dad today (not about this), and last night my stepmother and I were yelling at each other over the phone. I feel like I've had enough family to last me my entire life already. I kind of feel like getting "fixed" is a logical choice, but I'm still sad about the fact that it IS a logical choice, because I'm so bad at family stuff. I wish I could be a "normal" person who could get along with her family and take care of her own life. Maybe if that was the case I WOULD have maternal urges because it would make more sense to me. I have been talking to a therapist a little, but there's only so much that can do since he only knows me and not my parents.
FYI do you think that someone not getting along with their original family always means they won't be able to get along with family in general?
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Post by Devin on Jun 13, 2007 20:41:28 GMT -5
Just because you can't get along with your parents. Doesn't mean you'd be a bad parent. If you decide to become a parent. Maybe if you think about it more. You might decide motherhood is something for you. Or maybe not.
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Post by nycgirlincrisis on Jun 13, 2007 20:50:14 GMT -5
Maybe you're right Devin. I guess there are some people who don't get along with their own parents and are still good parents. This doesn't really fit in with the classic school of psychology though.
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Post by preraph on Jun 13, 2007 21:21:58 GMT -5
I know a little about the subject. What is indisputable is that how our family and childhood affects our relationships profoundly. Whether you conform and try to please them in all aspects or rebel and build yourself from the ground up and do some distancing can make a difference whether you carry the same cycle forward. Let me give you a personal example.
My parents fought. Mostly verbal, but my dad hit my mom a couple of times. She was the classic housewife otherwise. He was a funny guy most of the time and really the more affectionate of the two. Seeing her life of doing nothing but tending to me and doing housework, coupled with seeing my dad hit her made me rebel in a big way. I was not ABOUT to repeat their pattern. I wasn't going to be entrenched in children and housework, and I generally made sure a guy knew by about the third date that if he ever hit me, he better not go to sleep that night. I broke the cycle. Even if I'd had kids, I still would have broken the cycle, though I do think I have some intermittent rage problems that would have made me not enjoy parenting much. I wouldn't ever act on it, but I would feel like blowing up some and I might not have brought the same problems to motherhood, but I would have brought different ones, almost certainly.
Another example. A friend of mine had abuse in her home in childhood. She has a chemical imbalance. She is the funnest person in the world until she's not. Then she is irrational and hysterical. She went through years of therapy and parenting classes before having a child with a very stable man. Rest assured that kid will never experience any abuse like she did. On the other hand, one of her quirks developed into germophobia, so she overprotected him in some aspects. But not so much that he won't be able to blend with the mainstream and he is a high achiever, now a teen. His dad being stable helped a lot there too, as you can imagine.
Generally, if a person is aware of their issues, at least generally, that they picked up from their parents, they will be a bit more likely to deal with them. It's the people who never stop thinking the way they grew up is normal that that unfailingly perpetuate the cycle. A kind of cliche example we've probably all seen on TV would be a woman who was sexually abused as a child or just raised under extreme male domination who because of this submits to maltreatment as she comes of age, having been programmed not to say "no" to men or certain types of men. Then she ends up with those kind of men, just as her mother did, and their children suffer just as she did to some degree. People are attracted to what is familiar to them.
Keep up that therapy. It doesn't matter if your parents aren't there that much. Yes, family therapy would be nice, but a good therapist can eventually help you toward not connecting and engaging in the toxicity, and bringing your feelings out in the open will give you a lot of relief. Maybe you will be able to really detach from your family and stand on your own one of these days and only take them in small doses. The weirdest thing happened with my relationship with my mom when I moved out of town. She was constantly criticizing me about something as I grew older, trying to make me live her life. When I moved out of town, I don't know why, but when when she would come for a visit, she was much more supportive and fun. It was just odd. Later, when she got really really old and infirm, she kind of regressed in that way, but I like to tell myself it was because she had a brain tumor and think of the good times.
You are still really young. I was just entering the most exciting period of my life at your age. You may not be perfect. Do the best you can to become independent. But above all, have fun. This is the time of your life to have fun. You will always remember the good times you have. The better you take care of yourself and your life, the more rewarding life will be. If you know you are doing your best, other people's criticisms don't carry much weight. People often criticize because they have low self-esteem and want to bring you down to their level. Good luck.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Jun 14, 2007 4:04:40 GMT -5
You seem too undecided at this point in time to take such a permanent step. I would suggest holding off on the tubal for the time being.
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Post by Devin on Jun 14, 2007 6:21:24 GMT -5
I really don't see any reason to have something permanent done. Till you are with a man. You can't get pregant by drinking the water.
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Post by Devin on Jun 14, 2007 8:22:23 GMT -5
I don't think you should have anything permanent done. Till your with a boyfriend or husband. Then talk about it as a couple. Having something permanent done. Just to make a statement. Isn't a good reason for having something permanent done. Just by the way you sound. It might be something you would regrett in 5 to 10 years. I think you should wait till your with a man at least. And then decide as a couple.
Devin
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Post by Devin on Jun 14, 2007 10:36:58 GMT -5
The trouble here is. I don't know if this girl wants something permanent done. Because she don't want children? Or don't think she would be a good mother? Or just wants something that can't be undone? If the last one is the case. Get a TATTOO!
Devin
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Post by nycgirlincrisis on Jun 14, 2007 10:44:44 GMT -5
I just read preraph's long reply, and I think she has some really good points. Inicdentally, I'm going to the doctor TODAY to talk about the potential op, but I think I'll schedule it for like three months to six months in the future, so I can really think this over just a little bit more. I was going to say a year in the future, but I think anything longer than six months would just be stalling. I'm going to talk to the therapist a few more times, maybe consult a psychic advisor (a real one, not a phone psychic!), maybe go up to the woods in Maine and meditate on my deicision or something. I think if I were ever to reproduce I would need a REALLY stable husband though, and most of the guys who are attracted to me now are weirdos. Seriously, these guys COME UP TO ME ON THE STREET. I'm such a weirdo magnet Not really some great prospects there, and certainly not great genes to pass on. Thanks for all the support! FYI there is right this minute a SCREAMING child right next to my ear. I can almost feel myself becoming more anti-child as I type this! |
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Post by Devin on Jun 14, 2007 11:22:42 GMT -5
I just hate to see anyone do something. They might regrett. But the choice is your. And if your not in a relationship. There isn't any hurry to have something permanent. Good luck. Keep us posted. On what you decide.
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I hear a lot of people who've had their tubal say that they, like me, have ALWAYS KNOWN that kids weren't going to be a part of their life. I think if you're still not 100% sure, you might want to take a step by step approach.
