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Post by spanielmom on Jan 11, 2008 17:49:16 GMT -5
I have to admit, the one thing that makes me a bit sad about not wanting to have kids is when it comes to when I pass and my funeral. If I am lucky enough to live a long life before I die (knock on wood!) I sometimes think about who I will have around me during my last bit on earth. I am an only child, therefore do not have nieces or nephews, and my family (ie. cousins) is not THAT close (we see each other once or twice a year even though we live in the same city). I don't have anyone close to me who is younger than me (actually, I have NO ONE younger than me who I know except for my boyfriends nephew and niece). The one fear I have is that if I live beyond my husband, who will be at my funeral? No one! Who will I have to give me a smile before I die. No one! That's depressing. I can always donate any savings I have to something like the SPCA, but it would be nice to have SOMEONE there with you when you die. Depressing!
Has anyone else thought about this?
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Post by ruth59 on Jan 11, 2008 18:11:24 GMT -5
Nope. I think about the all people whose lives I will have touched along the way. These will be the people who you've had the time for, because you didn't spend a big part of your life raising rugrats.
I am an aunt three times over and I am rarely very thrilled about seeing my niece and two nephews. One, because I have to see my bitchy sister to see them, and two, because they're too damned young to be very interesting to me anyway. I wonder if if they take an interest in me when they get older because I will have property and no children to leave it to.
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Post by Tabetha on Jan 11, 2008 19:22:41 GMT -5
I was raised Irish Catholic and spent a lot of time as a child going to funerals of elderly family members we barely came into contact with when they were living. Unfortunately, it always seemed to me that most people were there out of duty or for appearance's sake, rather than any special personal attachment to the deceased. It may seem bleak, but I don't really want a funeral or wake (I plan to be cremated and my husband feels the same). Years ago, I came across an excellent expose of the funeral industry by Jessica Mitford called The American Way of Death that only solidified my beliefs. I'd much prefer a gathering of my friends in a restaurant to remember me how I was alive, rather than in a casket in a funeral home. Or better yet, if I don't end up dying suddenly (ie. not hit by a bus), it would be great to have a small, final party with my friends that I could actually attend. As far as legacies go, I'd love to leave any money we've accrued split between the American Library Association, the Tompkins County (No-Kill) SPCA, and the EFF.
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Post by ruth59 on Jan 11, 2008 19:25:48 GMT -5
The American Way of Death is a real eye opener. I must reexamine it. I like your idea of a party. Isn't that what an Irish wake is like? I've always been under the impression that a traditional Irish wake is long and lively.
Ruth
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Post by Tabetha on Jan 11, 2008 19:33:36 GMT -5
I like your idea of a party. Isn't that what an Irish wake is like? I've always been under the impression that a traditional Irish wake is long and lively. Not in my family, alas. It was more of an opportunity for mourners to get embarrassingly drunk afterwards, eat catered cold-cut platters, and talk about work than it was to celebrate the deceased, share memories, etc.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Jan 12, 2008 4:45:50 GMT -5
If I am lucky enough to live a long life before I die (knock on wood!) I sometimes think about who I will have around me during my last bit on earth. Has anyone else thought about this? I've thought about it quite a lot. Other than a niece and a nephew (neither of who I am close to), I don't have any close relatives who are a lot younger than me. If I live to be old, I don't see myself having too many people around. It seems kind of sad to me, but that's the way it is.
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Post by sveeder on Jan 12, 2008 14:47:19 GMT -5
What about before the funeral? Who will be there to take care of us? I sure don't want to go to a nursing home, never having a visitor. Being at the mercy of nursing home personnel. I have been thinking about alternatives to this ...luxury living at an affordable cost. Sue
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Jan 12, 2008 17:00:47 GMT -5
What about before the funeral? Who will be there to take care of us? I sure don't want to go to a nursing home, never having a visitor. Being at the mercy of nursing home personnel. I have been thinking about alternatives to this ...luxury living at an affordable cost. Sue That's something else I've thought about. As time goes on, I am seeing more and more different types of senior living alternatives. Many of them are quite expensive, depending on amenities, location, etc. but I've seen some nice ones advertised lately which have fewer amenities but seem very nice and are still affordable. As the baby boomers head into old age and need such facilities, I think options will continue to get better as time goes on.
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Post by cnu5000 on Jan 12, 2008 19:14:00 GMT -5
I hoping when I get older there will be more living situtations for seniors without family to help them.
I am trying make friends with people that are younger than me. It is a bit of an effort because I match with people my age or older.
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Post by Karlita on Jan 12, 2008 20:58:47 GMT -5
Has anyone considered donating their body to science? If my husband passes away before I do, I plan to donate my body. Frankly, after planning and attending so many funerals, I don't see the point in having them.
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Post by Tabetha on Jan 12, 2008 22:42:34 GMT -5
What about before the funeral? Who will be there to take care of us? I sure don't want to go to a nursing home, never having a visitor. Being at the mercy of nursing home personnel. I have been thinking about alternatives to this ...luxury living at an affordable cost. Sue Personally, If I'd had children the last thing I'd want is to derail their lives just so they could do their "duty" and take care of me. One of the (many) reasons I'm childfree is that I enjoy the independence and the flexibility that comes with that choice, for better or worse. I just turned 40. When I was in my 20's and 30's I wasn't bogged down with kids and parental responsibilities like most of my peers were during their peak years of physical energy and opportunity. Conversely, the nursing homes are full of people who sacrificed and raised children but were placed in them anyway (children who may or may not even visit). I figure if I do end up in a nursing home I will have at least lived my life up to that point to the fullest. I am by no means rich, but one of my goals in the intervening years is to start to set things up financially so my husband and I will have more options when the time comes.
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Post by spanielmom on Jan 13, 2008 23:23:52 GMT -5
What about before the funeral? Who will be there to take care of us? I sure don't want to go to a nursing home, never having a visitor. Being at the mercy of nursing home personnel. I have been thinking about alternatives to this ...luxury living at an affordable cost. Sue Oh ya for sure I've thought about that too. Although I wouldn't want to have to live with my kids in this situation, it would be nice to have them around to visit me wherever I would end up. happy2bchildfree: that is the one thing that is sad, I agree and that's the only thing that really bothers me
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Post by limeygirl on Jan 14, 2008 7:16:40 GMT -5
No guarantee they'll visit, no guarantee they'll even live in your part of the world. You could've sacrificed your life and freedom for them to no avail. Best thing is to make friends and be active in the community. I plan to grow old disgracefully, and if I turn into a miserable bad tempered old shrew then my non-existent non-children can thank their lucky stars they don't have to put up with me!
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Post by nativenewyorker on Jan 14, 2008 8:05:00 GMT -5
Actually, what I think would be nice would be to be cremated and to have my ashes mixed with my husband's ashes (or vice versa depending on whoever passes first. Our ashes could be scattered across the Long Island Sound.
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Post by preraph on Jan 14, 2008 12:12:00 GMT -5
If I don't outlive them, my friends would come, but it would be a small gathering. But you know, that's just the last thing I worry about. I don't CARE who comes to my funeral. I'm one of those people who doesn't even like the exes to see me except when I'm looking my best and younger than my years, so I'm not anxious to have anyone see me old and dead!!
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Post by shell on Jan 14, 2008 21:57:43 GMT -5
We are also not going to have a funeral. I think funerals are ridiculous actually!! Just my opinion! It will be Cremation, and our ashes will be spread at a place that is special to both of us. We are very social, and involved in the community so I find my circle of friends is always growing, and will continue to do so. So even though I don't have any extended family that I am close to at all, I am not worried about being alone. We consider friends to be 'our family'. Shell
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Post by preraph on Jan 14, 2008 22:39:42 GMT -5
I do understand that funerals or some sort of ritual or gathering is good for closure and just to make sure everyone faces the fact that the person died and deals with it. Closure
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Post by cnu5000 on Jan 15, 2008 6:59:59 GMT -5
I think once I am dead I am dead and won't care about my funeral. I think chances are good that I will outlive DH(he is four years older than me and women still tend to outlive men). I am an only child and don't have relatives that I am close to except my parents.
I am fortunate that some people in my family live to a healthy old age. My parents are 80 and 85 and are still able to live independlently.
I think old women have some advantages over old men in that they are very social(also past a certain age there are more of them). I notice old women sometimes will look after their old women friends. I think old men have more problems with becoming isolated in their old age.
I also think retirement posses some problems for men that it does not for women. Men's social life seems much more centered around their jobs and they don't seem to enjoy senior activities as much as women.
Personally, I plan to work as long as possible-I think the extra money is nice and I am hoping that some of the pressure of the work force will lessen if one feels one feels that one is working by choice not necessity.
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Post by shell on Jan 15, 2008 21:34:28 GMT -5
Preraph, I do understand some need the ritual for closure, didn't mean to be harsh about it, and when I re-read my post, it is a little (OK, alot) flippant! I do believe that everyone has their own way of coming to terms with loss and I do respect how anyone comes to achieve that. Shell
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Post by preraph on Jan 16, 2008 0:48:09 GMT -5
Oh, I understand the sentiment. Especially since they cost so much money. It seems like a waste in so many ways. I don't see why it has to be such an ordeal.
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