Breaking the news to family?

[valkyria]

...or should I just keep it to myself? I am having my tubes tied next week and I was wondering if anyone has any advice on how to (or if to) break that news to the family? Specifically to my mother who will keep expecting a grandchild from me until I turn 65 or so. Should I just not say anything? I'm very close to my mom and I usually tell her everything but am unsure of how to handle this so any advice is appreciated.

[preraph]

If you don't tell her, it will be a burden on you for the rest of your life. You are your own person. You do not live your mother's life and she can't expect you to. You're mature enough to have decided to have your tubes tied, and you need to suck it up and just tell her and get it over with. Emphasize the positives. Tell her you feel this way you will be better able to plan the course of your life and provide for yourself. Tell her you're thankful to her for raising you to be able to make your own decisions and compliment her some way on her being a good mom so she doesn't feel it's her fault. Don't emphasize so much that you don't want kids as that you have so many other things you want to do and don't want unplanned pregnancy to get in the way. Good luck.

[Ninja]

Preraph makes a good point. Rather that emphasizing that you don't want children, put the focus on the things you want to do instead, that would just not go well together with parenthood. And make sure to compliment her on your own childhood so that she feels loved and knows it's not her fault somehow.

You should absolutely tell her: not only are you now burndened with this 'dark secret', but she still holds false hope of getting a grandchild from you. It's not fair to either of you to keep this to yourself.

Don't worry about it: if you are that close, there's a good chance she'll just shrug and say that she already saw it coming. ;D

[limeygirl]

I would tell her AFTER you've had it done as she may try to talk you out of it

[preraph]

So would I, because she may feel obligated to try to talk you out of it, assuming if you're coming to her with it, you're undecided. Unless you just feel so confident she can't talk you out of it that it shouldn't matter.

[happy2bchildfree]

Honesty is the best policy, IMO, but I would wait until after you've had the tubal. This way she can't give you any lip about it.

I think it's perfectly fine to explain that motherhood just isn't for you. She will undoubtledly mourn the grandchildren she will never have but she will get over it. It's better that way rather than living a lie and allowing her to continue to believe and hope that you will one day give her grandchildren.

Let us know how it goes.

[valkyria]

Thanks for all the great advice! I will tell her in person when she comes to visit in September - that way, I'll only have to keep it a secret for a few months.

[preraph]

Good plan. But also, be prepared to go ahead and tell her if she calls and starts hounding you for grandkids. Otherwise, you will put yourself in an awkward spot. Say, "Well, I was planning on breaking it to you in person, but since you brought it up, I should tell you I had my tubes tied."

[valkyria]

Preraph,

True, but I doubt she will. In the event she does, I will follow your advice. This site has been such a blessing. I will get back to you all when I'm neatly tied up next week and let you know how it went. Many thanks!

[preraph]

Congratulations on your decision! It will be so nice to not have to worry about it. It does free you up some, though in this day and age, disease is such an issue that you're never completely safe. So glad I lived in that short little window between the advent of birth control and the epidemic of disease. Being a bachelor was fun!

[happy2bchildfree]

Apr 18, 2008 10:52:48 GMT -5 preraph said:

So glad I lived in that short little window between the advent of birth control and the epidemic of disease.

Same here. Birth control failure was my biggest worry back then. I sure wouldn't do now what I did back then, even with safe sex practices.

[ivycreeping]

This topic comes up so much, doesn't it?

I'm in the same boat as you.

As much as I hate lying, I think I'm going to tell a white lie to my Mom; I think I'm going to tell her that I got the type of tubal where they slip the rubber bands over the fallopian tubes so that she doesn't freak out. But, you know, it's a very personal choice. Do what makes you comfortable, honey.

[valkyria]

Hi again!

The deed is done and I'm feeling great! Had my surgery yesterday and am now resting comfortably at home with lots of drugs! The discomfort was about what I had expected, had a lot of pain in my shoulders and upper chest area but I guess that's from the gas that they put in to inflate the abdomen. My stomach looks like something out of a horror movie but I do bruise easily so no worries about that. Got myself a new kitten earlier this week and the irony was lost on no one - I was the one getting spayed, ha ha. Seriously though, would recommend it to anyone having thoughts about it. Thanks again for all your support and kind words.

[preraph]

Congratulations, Valkyria! You'll be feeling fit in no time. What's the new kittie's name? You should just call the doc and make sure the pain in your chest and shoulders is normal. They should have warned you about that if so. So make sure to just ask, for peace of mind. You're free -- free at last!

[valkyria]

Thanks Preraph!

The hospital called today and I was told the chest and shoulder pain was normal and it's subsiding anyways. New kittie's name is Idunn, she's named after the childless goddess of longevity in the Norse mythology and she's such a delight! Whatever miniscule amount of maternal instincts I possess, I give to her. Life is great!

[preraph]

Oh, nice unique name. Cats are all ageless and definitely all goddesses.

[ivycreeping]

Congratulations!
The pain should be gone by the end of the week from the gas they blow you up with.
I'm glad you pulled through, honey!

[lys]

Glad to hear youre doing well Valkyria!! Im glad this topic was brought up...At least I know what to say now to my mom. I told my mom Im never having kids in a non chalant way, she said "Oh, why?" I think she thinks I was kidding. Oh well...as long as I stay single, she doesnt ask.

[valkyria]

Thanks Lys, I feel great!
So what about if you're not single anymore? I mean, my mom never comes right out and asks anymore but I know she'll never really give up hope. I know it'll be painful for her when I tell her but I tell her for her sake more so than for my own. I'm sure I'll meet someone eventually and by then, I will have eliminated the child issue from the get-go and the only way to do that is to tie 'em up! Good luck and thanks again!

[lys]

Hi!

Sorry I havent been in this thread for a while. Im not at the point where Im ready to have any major surgery, I;ll just deal with the monthly. If and when Im not single, Ill probably be old and my stuff wont work anyway . I like being single, anyway .