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Post by cnu5000 on Jul 25, 2011 12:27:07 GMT -5
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Jul 25, 2011 23:09:45 GMT -5
There is no doubt in my mind that I'm an introvert. I hate it that being an introvert is generally viewed as a flaw, that we are regarded as "less than" extroverts.
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Post by cnu5000 on Jul 26, 2011 6:33:19 GMT -5
I think it is interesting that alot of the social rules are made for extraverts. I live in an academic area so I think being seen a smart is some compensation.
In some work training, I found it interesting that people who think before they speak(introverts-definately me at work) can be seen as negative and sneaky. In my opnion the world would be more polite if people thought before they spoke. (Extraverts need to speak while they think).
Introverts like the social media. I may join in on a about.com and comment about introverted friendship.
Both my parents-decided introverts.
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Post by preraph on Jul 26, 2011 16:04:56 GMT -5
I don't know what happened to me. While elementary schools, I was very social and outgoing, always wanting to get a small group together and lead something, like I remember bringing a book about horses and expecting all my little girlfriends to sit there on the playground and pay attention while I tutored them about horse knowledge. Hah. I guess junior high and the teasing and bullying beat it out of me.
I grew up entertaining myself, certainly, and with a bunch of animals, not with kids until school.
As a late teen/adult, I always needed lots of space and alone time to entertain my own thoughts, and I still do. I had to kind of push myself to be more extroverted in my twenties, and did push myself. Under the right circumstances, which is basically doing something I love and know all about, which was music, I find my element and then I can be kind of a leader again and make an effort to be amusing and I found myself organizing friends again with secret girl clubs that had meetings and everything. That was a great period of my life, too.
I so agree with that statement about not doing the small talk. I am HORRIBLE with small talk and it just makes me cringe to have to make small talk. I really can't do it. I want to have a deep or personal discussion or a funny discussion or whatever, but not small talk, which to me is very awkward. But those who are very successful and social do that small talk thing all day every day.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Jul 26, 2011 16:32:28 GMT -5
I've never been very social or outgoing. Even as a very young child I preferred to spend more time alone than with other people. I'm still that way. I enjoy spending time with the friends I do have, just not a lot of time. I know people who are constantly surrounded by other people and seem incapable of ever spending time alone and that's something I totally cannot relate to. I'd go insane if I had to do that.
My mother was very extroverted and outgoing and just couldn't understand why I was the way I am. She considered it a defect. As a child she was constantly forcing me into social situations I didn't want to be in, in an effort to turn me into an extrovert. It didn't work. I'm still an introvert, and I've finally stopped apologizing for being who I am.
It really does bother me that being an introvert in this society is fraught with such negative connotations.
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mar
Full Member
Posts: 237
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Post by mar on Jul 26, 2011 20:51:11 GMT -5
I am an introvert, as well. Possibly, having a lack of self confidence is a contributing factor. I love being with my best friends, but prefer a one on one visit. When it comes to a public event, I would rather stay home by myself.
I have two very special true friends, whom I cherish. Other than that......just casual friends to visit with on occasion. I know a few ppl that are real social butterflies, but I think they have a ton of self confidence and a lot of self esteem.
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Post by preraph on Jul 26, 2011 21:26:24 GMT -5
Mar, I think people that are social butterflies are sometimes confident and it's easy for them, but not all. I think some of them operate from insecurity and need others' approval to feel okay about themselves, to validate themselves. A friend of mine is extremely social. She will talk to anyone and everyone, people I have zero interest in. But she learned in therapy that it wasn't necessarily coming from a healthy place.
Happy, I know what you mean about loving your friends but only wanting to be around them for short amounts at a time. I am so bad about that. My best running buddy, when I pick her up for lunch, always wants me to come in, and sometimes I do if I think she needs some more time or whatever, but when I do, invariably by the time we leave for lunch, I'm tensed up and tired of debating with her about whatever it is. We're both guilty of talking about the same things over and over, so I try to be sensitive about that, but even when I say, "Yeah, you already told me about that," she won't even acknowledge that I said it and just plows ahead. The thing is, it's usually about a band or something that I've already told her I have no interest in, but she won't stop telling me the same thing about it over and over. A couple of times, she actually repeated a story to me that was MY story, as if it was HER story that happened to her. That really wigged me out. After she did that 3 times, I called her on it, and it HAS stopped. I thought maybe she was really getting Alzheimer's or something. Maybe we're just getting senile. Ha. Lately, I've been using the heat as an excuse not to get out of the car. Really, we should be a little easier to be around than that, probably. And she likes a lot of space too, but not as much as I do.
I can't tell if I'm getting more contentious as I get older or not. Because I remember being extremely blunt as a young person. But it seemed to work for me. Now I have toned that down, but I think more people think I'm contentious or don't have the tolerance for it they used to or something. I can't help it, if I see something funky going on with a close (and these are all friendships measured in decades) friend, I feel I have the right to bring it up. One of my friends said she sees a therapist soley to have someone to gripe about her husband to because she knows if she told her friends everything, they'd all want her to divorce him, which is true. I would HOPE the therapist would want her to divorce him if it's that bad, but you know people tend to find someone who will tell them what they want to hear.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Jul 27, 2011 2:58:32 GMT -5
Mar, I think people that are social butterflies are sometimes confident and it's easy for them, but not all. I think some of them operate from insecurity and need others' approval to feel okay about themselves, to validate themselves. A friend of mine is extremely social. She will talk to anyone and everyone, people I have zero interest in. But she learned in therapy that it wasn't necessarily coming from a healthy place. I agree with that. I think some of them use constant social interaction as a means to avoid facing and dealing with their own feelings and issues. Preraph--I also tend to be blunt. I've always been that way. I'm not rude about it but if I'm asked for advice or for an opinion, I will say what I really think and not what I think the other person wants to hear. A lot of people can't handle that.
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Post by cnu5000 on Aug 31, 2011 7:22:46 GMT -5
I tend to need to plan what I say. I heard "extraverts" think outloud while introverts plan ahead for what they say which is very true for me. It means that introverts like the social media because it is more "planned".
While I speak my mind-I think some of this "thinking outloud" can be terribly rude. However, I found out at a work training some people feel that thinking ahead is "sneaky".
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Aug 31, 2011 19:24:05 GMT -5
I tend to need to plan what I say. I heard "extraverts" think outloud while introverts plan ahead for what they say which is very true for me. It means that introverts like the social media because it is more "planned". While I speak my mind-I think some of this "thinking outloud" can be terribly rude. However, I found out at a work training some people feel that thinking ahead is "sneaky". Speaking before you think is really a bad idea. Sometimes things come out that would be better left unsaid.
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Post by cnu5000 on Sept 2, 2011 7:00:32 GMT -5
I appreciate honesty and directness but I think sometimes why people are so rude is that it is honest and open. To tell someone you can't stand them is honest but can hurt people's feelings.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Sept 2, 2011 17:34:51 GMT -5
I appreciate honesty and directness but I think sometimes why people are so rude is that it is honest and open. To tell someone you can't stand them is honest but can hurt people's feelings. I appreciate honesty and directness too but it's quite possible for someone to be honest but still tactful.
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Post by preraph on Sept 2, 2011 17:44:38 GMT -5
yeah, there's a broad range of honesty and frankness. I am one of those people who is too frank, although I have tempered it since I was younger. My family was like that, as if it was their obligation to point out every flaw in everything or something because it was the truth, you know. No tact. So I grew up that way and I will still overstep at times, even as much as I peeled it back as an adult. The interesting thing is whatever level you operate at, you will attract friends who can handle that much honesty or frankness. Anyone who doesn't like anyone giving them advice would hate me. I've got an opinion on lots of things and I don't wait for anyone to ask for it. So in the past I attracted people who were grateful that I was giving them my opinion and guidance in their person affairs, something that would drive others batty.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Sept 3, 2011 5:03:26 GMT -5
I generally don't offer advice unless I am asked for it. Unsolicited advice is generally resented by the recipient and offering unsolicited advice is a good way to alienate people. Same with expressing opinions on personal matters--I try to avoid offering an opinion unless I am asked for one.
Growing up, I had certain relatives who saw fit to give me advice I neither asked for nor wanted. They also thought it was acceptable for them to offer their unsolicited opinions on personal matters such as how I lived my life, how I dressed, how I wore my hair, etc. Again, these opinions were neither asked for nor wanted. It angered me and I resented them for it. The experience taught me that unless I wanted to drive people away, the best thing was to not offer advice or opinions on personal things unless I was asked for them. And I expect others to treat me with the same respect. Unless I ASK for advice or an opinion, I don't want it.
If I am asked for advice, I give it in the context of what *I* might do in a similar situation rather than telling the person what they should do. If asked for an opinion, I will be honest but as tactful as possible.
Honesty doesn't have to equal rudeness and tactlessness.
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Post by preraph on Sept 3, 2011 22:00:23 GMT -5
I really haven't had that problem. I have one friend who gets testy, but it's just a limitation, because there's things that I tolerate from her that make me testy too, like telling me all about something and then getting testy if I have an opinion. She knows I'm going to have one, but she does it anyway. Sorry, but I don't agree to a one-way conversation because I'm not anyone's paid therapist, so....
For the most part, the stuff that works her nerves isn't personal but advice on everyday stuff, like chores or building something outside, though if someone is a close friend, I certainly will comment on personal matters, but that's what most of my friendships are built on. I've had some of the same friends for decades. Anyone who doesn't like it will just ship out, though I've never known anyone to do that on me for that reason or had anyone have a big blowup about it at all. I just think there are enough people out there who appreciate that level of openness that I don't have to worry about those who may not.
Those who are more self-contained, I guess I'm not attracted to them any more than they are me, because I don't run into it. I guess each person just has certain qualities that draws people to them that are compatible, to a certain extent. And it's a good thing. Certainly being overly familiar in the workplace is a mistake, because people aren't even being themselves so it's easy to misread them. I try hard to stay out of things in the workplace.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Sept 4, 2011 12:44:05 GMT -5
Different personality types will attract different kinds of people for sure. I've had a few problems with strangers offering unsolicited opinions, but not with the people who actually know me. To me, it's about respecting personal boundaries, and to me, offering unsolicited advice/opinions amounts to trampling someone's personal boundaries or them trampling my boundaries. It comes across as being controlling and is disrespectful. And people are going to do what they want to do, anyway.
You and I could never be friends, could we? LOL!
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Post by preraph on Sept 5, 2011 10:13:27 GMT -5
I think as with a lot of internet friendships, there are many that couldn't survive the light of day! Can't decide if it's good or bad that we edit online, but probably good overall.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Sept 5, 2011 10:35:59 GMT -5
Editing online is good thing. We've all seen the incivility that can happen when people just say whatever is on their mind without regard for the feelings of those who will be reading it.
I also think many people don't "edit" what they post, and say things online that they would never say to someone's face.
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Post by preraph on Sept 5, 2011 15:22:47 GMT -5
Oh, definitely. I have met a couple of those people only because they'll show up at concerts, and they have both turned out to be little ineffectual anemic worms.
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Post by happy2bchildfree on Sept 5, 2011 16:32:55 GMT -5
Oh, definitely. I have met a couple of those people only because they'll show up at concerts, and they have both turned out to be little ineffectual anemic worms. I love your description, it's hilarious! Just once, I've met someone in person who I had first met online. The person turned out to be someone I didn't like for a number of reasons. We didn't correspond for that long before we actually met and I think if we had, I probably would have picked up more on what she was really like. Oh, well.
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